


Phoenicis Rising

by ComplimentaryCuller



Series: Among the Stars verse [7]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Empire shenanigans, Fluff, Karkat levels of cursing, M/M, Mentions of Violence, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-06-08 23:21:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15254319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ComplimentaryCuller/pseuds/ComplimentaryCuller
Summary: Running an Empire is difficult enough, even without having to completely restructure it. And when you add in aliens, alliances, and the proclivity of things to go screwy, it only gets worse.But Karkat has always been able to rise above the challenges he's had to face. He can do it again.





	1. Chapter 1

Gamzee wasn’t stupid, and he could see the way everyone looked at them, how they all thought that Karkat was the one keeping him grounded and sane, and naught going the other way. And he was content with that, seeing as his diamond didn’t challenge that neither, long as he knew that Gamzee would be there for him. But even with all of the shit going on, he running his Church and Karkat his Empire (and wasn’t he a wonder, managing to turn so much around in so little time, all on his own motherfuckin determination; wars stopped and helmsmen freed, slaves released and treaties brokered, all with a scowl on his face and fins at ¼ mast), he _knew_ when his moirail was out of sorts. Gamzee let it bide, writing it off on the recent duel. But when Karkat began literally _eviscerating_ anyone he even heard rumors of being casteist, he knew that there was something up with his normally forgiving and fair-minded moirail. Sure, he might come off as loud and abrasive, but Karkat hadn’t even executed any prisoners during the war, going as far as helping Kanaya and the medicullers tend to their wounds. So Gamzee left some of his more trusted Cardinals in charge and got a faster-than-light ship straight to _The War Ender_ as fast as Sollux could have one sent. Gamzee hadn’t bothered letting anyone know, didn’t want to deal with all the froofy bullshit that would hinder him from his purpose, and stilt-walked through the halls to the throne/decision-making block his diamond was in. When he opened the door, Karkat was just wiping his sickle clean on the warming corpse of a violet, flicking his fins irritatedly.

The assorted Admirals and bureaucrats were silent and assessing, afraid that they would be next.

“Any further arguments?” Karkat asked, voice cold.

Silence reigned.

“Good,” he said, walking back to his throne. “Now, we were talking about trade agreements with the species we haven’t and _still won’t be_ enslaving, right?” His rounded teeth flashed their knife-sharp edges, perfect for severing flesh cleanly without any resistance.

Gamzee walked forward, podsteps clear on the quartz floor, and all eyes turned to him as the door slid closed silently behind him. “Y’all motherfuckers can leave now,” he said cooly.

Karkat glared as the council made a tactical retreat. “What is it now, chuckle-fuck?” he hissed, clearly aggrieved.

Gamzee crossed his arms, concern on his face. _“You,_ diamond mine. You’ve been all out of sorts, and it ain’t right, the way you’re acting, it ain’t like you, and it’s getting me all kinds of concerned. Mind tellin’ me what’s up, pabe?”

“Fucking nothing! Why do you even care if I thin the ranks a bit? I thought you’d be all for it, you always thought I was too lenient with prisoners anyway!” Karkat huffed, fins flared.

Gamzee narrowed his oculars, looking at the chitin near his moirail’s fins, oddly rigid, and a much duller color than usual. They widened in shock. “Mother _fuck_ ,” he said, stilt-walking over, peering closely at it. Even Fef-sis had molted by now, and he’d figured his miracle-blooded brother had just stopped where he was.

Karkat shoved him away. “What the hell, Gamzee? Did you interrupt just to poke at my fins? What are you, a-”

“Bro, you’re molting,” Gamzee interrupted, papping him sharply on the cheek.

“Oh, _shit,”_ Karkat said. An adult molt could last weeks or more, even for burgundys, and for sea-dwellers it could take perigrees. “Damn it, I can’t be out for that long, I’ve got shit to do, I can’t delegate everything to someone else! Are you sure, maybe it’s something else, I wouldn’t be surprised if I never went through it, I’m enough of a freak as it is, why not, right-” a shudder ran through him, and the chitin on his prong hinge creaked.

They both looked down at it.

“Well, shit,” he said.

“Let’s get you to ‘coon,” Gamzee suggested, and Karkat nodded. “Hold tight,” Gamzee said, scooping Karkat into his arms, and stilt-walked his way through the halls, till they came to a stop in front of his block. The ornate recuperacoon was shoved off to the side, rarely used by the insomniac who owned it. _‘It’s a good thing it’s so motherfucking big,’_ Gamzee thought to himself. Considering how much he had grown during his molt, never mind Fef-sis, Karkat would need the space. ‘Course, he might be even smaller than Ara-sis, considering his hue, but he doubted it, strong and be-finned as Karkat was.

Speaking of, his eyes had fluttered closed during the trip, short as it was, and Gamzee had to help him take off his plain soldier’s armor, Karkat still wary of attacks as ever, even with complete control of an Empire.

Gamzee helped him into his coon, and he submerged into it completely, floating just under the surface, fins tinted a strange hue by the thick green gel. Gamzee looked at him pityingly for a few moments, before straightening up and walking out, making sure the door was still set to allow his and Karkat’s DNA only. Satisfied, he brought up his holo, flicking through the options as he strode through the halls to the nearest decision-making block, shooting off a memo to his Trollian, calling them all to the ship for a council. His pale-bro would be out of commission for a while, and they needed to keep shit under control. He flicked to his Family messaging-system, telling his attendants he would be gone for longer than he’d thought. He knew how to strategize too, piece of circus trash though he might be, but this was going to require more help. The doors to the meeting block opened at the flick of his wrist, and he stilt-walked to a seat as they shut behind him. Gamzee opened the Church schedule, and got to work.

  


\----

  


“Thit, he’th molting _now??_ I figured he jutht wathn’t going to molt at all by thith point, jutht how long ith he going to _live?”_ Sollux’s eyes were wide under his 3-D glasses, genuine shock on his face.

Feferi bit her lip, back from her moirail-enforced vacation weeks early. “Mom- _Gl’bgolyb-_ ”

Eridan looked at her worriedly, violet eyes sad and uncertain of how to help.

“-sea-d that he whale-d rule for a thou-sand Empires. The Horror-terrors don't exaggerate.” She looked down at her lap, hair no longer bound by her tiara, which had disappeared the night after Karkat coming to power, not a whisper coming from anyone over the matter.

Everyone was quiet for a moment.

Vriska furrowed her brows, and then spoke up.

“Ugh, does this mean I'm not going to be able to make fun of his height anymore? Damn it, now I have to think of new material!”

A chorus of “What, _really ???”_ washed over her from the minds of her hatefriends.

  


\----

  


Only a week later, Gamzee was roused from sleep by the honking of his wrist-husk, a holo popping up.

“Gamzee, get over here _right now!”_ Terezi looked panicked, nostrils flared and mouth slightly open and taking quick breaths, the equivalent of wide eyes flicking over her surroundings frantically. A crashing noise came from the speakers. “OH **_FUCK_ ** ,” she yelped, and the holo turned off as she ran away.

Gamzee had thrust himself out of the sopor as soon as he saw her face, and he scrambled to the wardrobifier and captchalogued his clubs, punching in the code for his armor, hardly waiting for it as he tore out of his block towards the room Terezi had been in. Once there, he skidded in, only to duck hurriedly as a sickle cut through the air where his neck had been only moments before. Looking around, his eyes found his moirail, taller than him, taller than motherfucking _Feferi,_ sclera so red you could hardly see his irises, a fresh sickle in his hand to match the set, his half-moon teeth bared in a snarl. Gamzee looked up at Karkat’s face (even Feferi would have to, and Feferi's 10’6 was nothing to sneeze at, for eleven sweeps), meeting his eyes, and took out his clubs. Slowly, slowly, his eyes never leaving his moirail's searing gaze, he tossed them away. He put his hands face up and extended them in front of him, towards his moirail.

Karkat stilled, pan clearing as he saw the sign of the Sufferists, and looked at Gamzee blearily.

“Why are you so short?” He asked tiredly.

Gamzee couldn't have restrained his relieved, honking laugh if he tried.  


 

\----

  


Karkat munched his way through his fifth protein bar as he looked at his schedule, lounging with Gamzee in their pile as his room was adjusted to size. He’d woken up from the usual coma because his claws had punctured the recuperacoon, draining it of sopor, and the rude awakening combined with his body's upheaval destroyed his usual control over his instincts and sent him into a bloodrage. (“Well that was fucking embarrassing,” he'd said, noticing the highblood bodies strewn around the trashed room. “I’m going to have to apologise to _so_ many people after this, aren't I?” Gamzee had only honked, still mildly shocked.) Neither Kanaya nor any of the other docterrorists could understand why his eyes had changed during one of the “soft molts” that had happened before. Karkat just wrote it off as “more insufferable mutant bullshit I have to deal with”, and considering the only history in the entire Empire was of military and HIC’s personal interests and life, the mediculler community was inclined to agree. Taking into account Gl’bgolyb’s prophecy, none of them were too concerned about him dying anyway, so it was a moot point. Karkat shifted on the horn pile, arm curling around Gamzee’s waist possessively as he tugged his moirail closer effortlessly, hardly seeming to notice as he scrolled further on his itinerary, rearranging some things or just delegating them to another as he willed.

Gamzee raised an eyebrow, but just went back to his own responsibilities; the Church wouldn’t run itself, after all, and there were sermons to write and troops to manage. It was to be expected, really; this only proved how much higher his best-beloved was than everyone else, and the coldblood instinct to lay claim to what was his had surfaced ever since he woke. Gamzee didn’t mind, although he suspected _The Blood-Spattered Miracle_ would be sticking very close to _The War Ender_ for quite some time. Praise the Messiahs, their whim and mirth guide him to the Dark Carnival. A chirping came from Karkat’s crab-husk, and the projection switched from the schedule to Sollux’s face, him immediately coloring as he took in the scene, Karkat in Gamzee’s clothes while his new clothes were made, the two of them sprawled together in a pile with their limbs tangled and armor off, necks and wrists completely exposed. Sollux made a face, and if it wasn’t for his solid post-molt chitin Karkat was sure he’d see a bright yellow blush.

“Ugh, groth, IP, you’re fucking thameleth,” he said, covering his oculars.

“Not my fault you have no respect for privacy, _Thollux,_ ” Karkat shot back, summoning up irritation even through the cloud of pale fog he was drowning in. “What is it now, I’m busy.”

“Yeah, I can fucking tell,” Sollux muttered, before getting back to business, still not looking at the shameless display. “Anyway, there’th a new thpethieth- _IP thtop laughing at me -_ that figured out FTL travel. They’re called ‘humanth’, I think, and you know we’re going to be volunteered ath the welcoming party when we tell the other U.S.C. memberth, tho I’m going to prep the thip, ok? Captor out.”

The holo turned back to his schedule, with the addition of welcoming the humans, placed the night after the United Species Council meeting in a week. Spades flashed in Karkat’s eyes, before a cold hand patted his face in a soft _pap_.

“None of that now, diamond mine. You’ll have time for that once the special stardust is settled.” Gamzee kissed his moirail’s cheek, nuzzling up affectionately in order to distract him, a complete flip of their old dynamic, Gamzee the conciliator and Karkat the conciliated. “Don’t need any descendants coming to bear challenge so new into your reign, now, do we?”

Karkat snorted. “As if any spawn of mine and Captor’s would even make it out of the caverns. Even the most loyal jade-blood would be drawn to end its miserable life, if the mood swings and pure, unadulterated rage in its tiny body didn’t cause it to explode in a gruesome spray of candy-red or mustard yellow.”

Gamzee rolled his eyes, but let it bide, knowing a futile battle for what it was. “If’n you’ll be saying so, bro,” he said placidly.

“ _What did Alternian do to youuuuu?”_

“Honk.”


	2. Chapter 2

Karkat's eyes narrowed at the violet General, who flinched back into their seat, remembering the blood-spattered halls and sclera so blocked in with red they seemed blind. 

“Of course, I could always, um, remove platoon 6357-HGWE from the Ith’dagif’s systems, and put it to better use, uh, protecting trade routes with the Jyfidts, if you would prefer, Your Imperial Peacemaker,” she hastened to say, frantically pulling up a map of the systems within her jurisdiction, picking the first trade route she saw. 

He shifted, considering, and shook his head. “That's fucking stupid, the Jyfidts are on thin gogdamn frozen water as is, and adding troops to regulate their system would only piss them off more than they already are. Move them to the border of system KM482-X, there's been reports of an Ascending species over there and the last thing we need right now is another Dolrak.”

She nodded, relieved, wondering to herself how he even  _ knew _ about that, barely remembering it herself, a good 300-some sweeps ago. “As you say, Your Imperial Peacemaker.” 

He looked over to the violet next to her, who stood, making a quick salute of Karkat's sign as he straightened up, and pulled a few holos out of the air, reshuffling the maps of his systems as his auricular-piece fed him information. “Your Imperial Peacemaker, planet Z-H1639 is suffering a drought, and will need more sulfur pumped into the atmosphere to remedy this. According to my reports, the Glarond’ickay are experiencing unrest and apparently tried to sneak a bomb into the Alternian Hive, and there have been many minor revolts, especially around the northern-”

Karkat interrupted. “The Glarond'ickay, those are the yellow tentacle ones, right?” 

The violet nodded, biting back irritation at the interruption. “Yes, my Emperor. They were used by your predecessor as-”

“The metal workers, yeah, I remember. Subjugated about 21 sweeps ago, casualties of 4.7 million for them, 3 scout ships for us, in 3 perigees, using their reliance on uranium gas to force an unconditional surrender. You know, I  _ thought _ I told you to help them develop an actual fucking government, not implement stricter laws, you absolute  _ bulge-spigot _ . Yeah, I know about the new curfew and taxes, fuck-globes, and I'm not very gogdamn happy about you  _ deliberately disobeying my *express* orders _ .” 

The violet’s fins pinned back. “My Emperor, that was not my-”

Karkat glared, then looked at the rest of the block. “One-time offer of a cull-promotion at his detriment, take it or leave it.”

The rest of the block sprang into action, all eager for increased status and favor, but his tealblooded secreterrorist was the first one there, smoothly equipping penkind and jabbing it through his gills to break the spinal cord. She smiled pleasantly at Karkat as he gave her an assessing look. “If I might be allowed to suggest a solution to his egregious mistakes, my Emperor?” She asked brightly.

Karkat raised an eyebrow, impressed at her speed. “Hit me, General…?”

Her smile grew brighter at the mention of her new title. “Glinteye, Your Imperial Peacemaker,” she practically trilled. “I suggest we increase rationing, offer an unarmed meeting with the ringleaders, and allow them to make suggestions to our on-planet council for what we can do to help integrate them properly into the Empire.” She flicked the blood off her pen, stepping aside as a servant fetched the body, another replacing the bloodied chair quickly.

He nodded. “Great. Implement those immediately, and cull anyone who tries to get in your way, General Glinteye. I'm pretty fucking sure I don't need to remind you to not cull any of the citizens in your sectors?”

“'Culling is only allowed when some asshole is directly and obviously disobeying you, and not a gogdamn minute sooner, bulge-munches’,” she quoted, excitement radiating from her body. 

Karkat looked to the violet next to her, and they stood, Glinteye trying to play it cool when she began sinking into the unexpectedly and  _ outrageously _ plush chair. “The Ryladegs’ have been cooperating with-” 

They were cut off by Sollux's face replacing the star maps and charts. “IP, there’th thomething you're going to want to thee,” he said. Another holo popped up, showing an absolutely _ tiny _ ship, all bulky metal and edges. “I normally would have jutht blathted them, but you're a cull joy, tho I'm letting you know that there’th a thip off thtarboard. It doethn’t match up to any in the Counthil databathe, tho I think it might be a new thpethieth or thomething. Do you want me to open a tranthmithion with them?”

Karkat rolled his oculars. “Why the fuck not. They've got to meet the rest of the universe sometime or another. Hurry the fuck up.” 

Sollux managed to give him a judgmental look without any pupils. “Fine, fine, I'm going,” he muttered, eyes glowing a bit as he plugged himself in, brain waves translating effortlessly into code through the bio-tendrils. Yet  _ another _ holo (17 at last count, 15 of which were still just Sollux from various angles) appeared, parts of the council craning their necks to see it. 

A few, four or five, maybe, trolloid aliens were floating aimlessly around the ship (did their planet have so little gravity? Had they not figured out artificial gravity yet?), before one squawked in surprise, pointing at the council. A weird, moaning language came from them, all of them loudly wailing in incomprehensible gibberish.

Karkat shot Sollux a Look. “So, are you going to turn on the fucking translator, or just sit on your ass all night?”

Sollux muttered unflattering comments about “impatient, nub-horned, pushy candy bloods who don't appreciate him enough” as he sparked the wires around him. Finally, it turned on.

“-holy fucking shit, that's an alien, that's a real life alien, Allah save us, that's an alien, merciful-”

“-is that their SHIP?!?!?!? HOLY FUCK, that's HUGE, how in the shit did we not see it, we're so screwed if they're hostile, fuck-”

“-this is the  _ coolest _ thing to ever happen to me, I just got to be part of the second  _ wormhole driven space flight _ and now there's  _ aliens _ , oh my gosh-”

Karkat gaped incredulously. “Are they gogdamn wrigglers or something?” He looked at Sollux, an expression of disgusted confusion on his face, fins at ⅓ and pulled the slightest bit back. 

One of the aliens looked over. “We can understand you!! That's amazing, we weren't aware there were even other sentient races out here, how are you translating this so quickly, -”

Another pushed them aside, shoulders squared and a determined (maybe???) look on their face. “We are humans, from the planet Terra, here on a scouting mission on the behalf of the United Nations Space Program. I am Jaime Fletcher, and I am pleased to extend greetings from planet Terra.”

“Gog, they're formal,” Sollux said at full volume. “Thit, ith it jutht a whole planet of tightatheth?”

Karkat gave him a look of disgust. “Shut the hell up,  _ Thollux _ ,” he bitched, and then turned to the human. “Yeah, sorry about him. Welcome to the rest of the fucking universe, I guess. We were actually just about to introduce you anyway, save you a trip, but what the fuck ever. I'm The Imperial Peacemaker, Emperor of Alternia, and I have zero interest in conquering your tiny-ass star system, so there are zero worries there.” 

The alien blinked. “I'm sorry, you were already aware? This is only our second trip outside of our solar system, how-”

Karkat snorted, flicking his hand as if to shoo something away. “Please, you think we only *just* noticed you ass-grabs? Ever since I culled my predecessor I've been flagging ascending species left and right,  _ of course  _ I noticed.”

Gamzee gave him a sharp ‘pap!’ on the arm, feet kicked up in the table as he focused on Mirthful business, red sea glass ring glittering in the light as he patted his moirail, only halfway noticing the need. “Be polite,” he mumbled, narrowing his oculars at the holo. “Damn it, Gezebi,” he said under his breath, opening up the ship under Gezebi’s command. Motherfucking bitch didn't know her Messiahs’ damned place… 

Karkat's fins settled, and the rest of the block relaxed with them, hardly even noticing that they'd tensed. 

_ “Melikai, make a note that the fins show emotions,”  _ one of the humans hissed, the one apparently named Melikai scribbling it on a pad of paper.

Sollux snorted. “Do they know we can hear them perfectly? Whithpering won't work, idiotth.” 

The human who had been whispering went a ruddy color, and another looked at Sollux directly. “How  _ did _ you access our ship? Our technology has to be completely different from yours, have you been monitoring us?”

Sollux laughed. “Nah, I jutht downloaded your internet and fitted it into the program I made to thtore the languageth from all the different thpethieth. Your internet ithn’t even protected, the code ith tho thimple too. It’th not even _ biotech _ , I mean,  _ really _ .”

Karkat tossed a sickle through one of the holos with Sollux's face on it. “Stop bragging, you crazed shit-eating weasel.  _ Gog, _ you're annoying.”

“Fuck off, IP.” Sollux stuck out his forked tongue.

Gamzee waved a captcha card in the air threateningly. “If I have to break out the motherfucking hairbrush…” he threatened, still engineering a way for Gezebi to get attacked by ‘Pir8s’ and end up dead. Damn cerulean FLARP-wannabe came in handy, sometimes.

Karkat rolled his oculars, but backed down, fins nestling back into his hair comfortably. 

The humans looked on with varying degrees of curiosity, confusion, and shock at the sheer  _ alien-ness _ of the proceedings in front of them. Hairbrushes? Biotech?

And was one of them covered in _ light purple paint _ ? 

Karkat looked back at the holo showing the humans. “Do you want a ride back to your planet?” He asked. “We're a fuck-ton faster than you, and it'll save you some fuel.” He looked over at the readouts of the analysis of the ship. “Holy fuck, are you grub-shitters seriously still using  _ uranium? _ Gog, you’re old fashioned.”

“Oh pleathe, we’ve theen worthe, calm your rumblethpereth, IP.” Sollux flicked his bisected ears exaggeratedly to show his disdain.

Karkat flipped him off. 

One of the humans was furiously taking notes, mumbling ‘rumblespheres’ under their breath excitedly, noting that not all of them had fins, and they were  _ definitely  _ color-coded based on their eyes, and what the  _ fuck _ did that mean, and those sigils, were they rank markers, but the purple on had the red one’s on a necklace and on a horn ring (Horns!!! What the fuck!), muttering about ranks and genetic dissimilarities excitedly. 

The apparent leader pursed their lips, and then nodded. “Thank you, that would be much appreciated,” they said stiffly. “Do you need our coordinates, or-”

Sollux cut them off. “We’re here,” he said smugly.

The human’s eyes widened, and their head snapped to the window, reeling back when they saw the blue orb of their planet. “How, we didn’t even notice, I-” they regained control of themself, swallowing. “Thank you, for the transport.” Their voice was tight. “I will contact my superiors, to let them know you are coming-”

Karkat waved a hand. “We’ve got it covered. Sollux, be at least  _ semi _ fucking decent, and don’t make any gogdamned threats, I swear.”

“Oooh, he  _ thwearth _ , I'm thhaking in my thpinny thit plateau,” Sollux snarked sarcastically as his eyes glowed brightly as he hacked the human systems and sent off a message.

“If I have to make Kanaya auspitize between you two,” Gamzee said warningly, “she is gonna be  _ so _ motherfucking pissed, y'all dumbasses are gonna _ regret it, hard _ .”

He shot a look at Sollux. “Also, I called our psychopomp sis on you. Honk.”

Sollux's ears pulled all the way back. “Oh,  _ thhi _ -” 

The holos all returned to normal, but not before an irate mass of hair and curled horns strode its way in, a rust-red clad arm shooting out and grabbing the tip of his auricular shell, his twiggy body following as his face turned into an expression of dread. “Gamthee, you motherfu-”

The door shut behind him, the tail of a rusty red kimono the last sight of his fate.

Karkat looked at Gamzee, eyebrows raised. “Gamzee, holy  _ fuck _ was that cold.” 

“Can't let you get distracted, best beloved,” Gamzee drawled, finalizing the plan to get Gezebi out of the way. He sent it off to Vriska, closing out of the holo. “Get back to diplomaterrorizing, sugar diamond.” 

Karkat looked back at the humans, only just remembering them, the one with the notepad writing fast enough to give the impression that the paper should be smoking, and tilted his fins at them. “So where's a good place for us to land? I’d rather not get fucking shot at, it makes a shit first impression.”

The one seemingly in charge typed on a metal husktop furiously, mumbling about ‘the united nations’ and ‘international waters’ and ‘switzerland’. They looked up. “Here. 35 North, -40 East. Are you able to land on water?”

“Yeah, do you want us to set you down with us-? Oh,” he looked at a read-out. “Your craft can’t even land in some gog forsaken water? Weird.” He flicked his fins carelessly. “Whatever, I’ll just have you come inside and you can get a fucking tour or some shit.”

He made a series of gestures, opening a new holo, flicking to ship controls, opening a bay, and grabbing the small metal ship and sliding them in, closing the doors after them. “There. You can get out now, I’ll send someone to get you.” He closed the screen, and the human swallowed as they picked themself off the floor where they had fallen in the sudden presence of gravity. 

“Thank you,” they said. “It will be interesting to meet you in person, Your Imperial Peacemaker.” 

The holo cut off.

Admiral Whiptail spoke up. “Your Imperial Peacemaker, are we sure they can breathe our air? Their planet is full of water, they may be aquatic.”

“They can breathe at 19 percent oxygen and up.” Karkat said. “They’ll be fucking fine.”

“As you say, Your Imperial Peacemaker.”

“Council adjourned ‘till ‘morrow night,” Gamzee drawled. “Y’all are motherfucking dismissed.”

As the doors closed behind the last of them, Gamzee stilt-walked, until instead of lounging on his kicked-up sit platform with his feet on the decision plateau, he was settled in Karkat's lap, holos dismissed and neck bared as he looked up at his moirail, luxuriating in the warmth. His gangly legs were hooked over one arm of the throne, head resting on the opposite one, and he stroked almost lazily at Karkat's gills, soft strokes down the delicate organ. 

Karkat shivered, a click-trill-chirr starting up in his upper thorax, shoulders slumping in relaxation. “G-gogd-damn it-t, G’mzee,” he said, not sounding half as annoyed as he meant to. “I'm meeting with a new fuck-fucking sp-species in however long it takes for those wastechute licking ass-grabs to get here, don't-” a soft prickle of claws just at the edge of a gill stopped him, clicking intensifying as he was overwhelmed with the feeling of trust, even with Gamzee's claws at his neck, that he would be safe. He shuddered.

Gamzee pressed a small kiss to his jaw, sitting up to put his arms around his moirail's neck. “ _ Shoosh, _ diamond-mine. We've time.” He ran a knuckle down Karkat's left fin, right on the scars he'd earned from a bloodrage-mad blueblood.

Karkat trilled, high and sharp. “You're cheating, fuck pan,” he mumbled, head drooping. 

“All's fair in pity and battle, beloved,” Gamzee said smugly. 

Karkat snapped at him half-heartedly. 

Gamzee kissed his nose.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Jaime had approximately _no idea_ why the _15 foot tall_ _horned alien_ ’s eyes(???) widened as soon as they walked into the throne room, their ears(???) flicking down and back, but judging by the satisfied(???) look on the Emperor's face(???), they'd either walked in on _something_ or _something_ had just happened here. Alien sex was interesting in theory, but walking in on someone's afterglow was embarrassing, no matter the species. 

Looking up, Jaime reconsidered their estimate of the alien’s average height. Red was a good 13 feet, purple 9, and they were pretty short, in comparison to the others. The scarring on all they had seen alluded to either a large war in the past, or an extremely violent species. The colors definitely meant something, or had, judging by the way some seemed testing or wary around cooler colors, and others not seeming to care. An intricate hierarchy, and only the one red… 

Wait. 

Wait  _ a fucking minute. _

Did the purple one have  _ clown face paint on? _

And was that the Cancer sign? 

And Capricorn?

Jaime’s life had officially stopped making sense. 

“It is a pleasure to meet you in person, Your Imperial Peacemaker. I appreciate you transporting us home.”

The Imperial Peacemaker waved a hand(???). “It’s not a fucking problem. Is there anything I should know about your leader before meeting them?”

Jaime blinked. “We have… multiple leaders, actually. We are divided into many different countries. We have a United Nations council, and I have notified them of your presence. It would be hard to miss such a large ship…” Jaime muttered the last bit. 

His Imperial Peacemaker snorted. “Yeah, )(IC was a gaudy bitch, zero gogdamn sense of fucking scale.” 

How did he even  _ pronounce _ it that way?!?!?

Jaime controlled their breathing. Just. Breathe. Note: Excellent hearing. Great. 

His Imperial Peacemaker's fins(???)(!!!) tilted. “Any fucking way, is there anything I should know about your leader ** _s_**?” 

There was that one with the peanut allergy- why the fuck would that matter.

“Nothing comes to mind.” Jaime looked over at Laura, raising an eyebrow. 

She shook her head.

Jaime turned back to the alien Emperor. “Is there a way to shield from pathogens? Our two species may have very different immune systems, and I would hate for any party to get sick.”

His Imperial Peacekeeper blinked. “Trolls don’t fucking get sick,” he said, as if it was obvious. “And I’ve done this before, so don’t worry about anyone getting infected or some shit.”

They just didn’t get sick????  _ How??? _ “Ah,” Jaime said lightly. “I see.” Jaime did  _ not _ see, but oh well.

“That’s a gogdamn lie and we both fucking know it, but I’m not a mediculler, so I don’t really either.”

“Science is just a way for the unfunny to destroy all the motherfucking miracles, bro,” the clown said lazily.

What the  _ fuck _ .

Melikai was writing furiously, almost ripping the paper as he wrote down that  _ aliens have a concept of miracles and humor!!! _ excitedly.  

Jaime noted that Azul  _ (god, having a name like that had to be ridiculous)  _ had that Look on their face, the one they made when they were going to do something extraordinarily unwise.  _ “Do  _ **_not_ ** _ ,”  _ Jaime hissed.

Azul settled with a put out expression. “Meanie,” he muttered.

‘Be nice to the scary alien Emperor’ really should be taught to more children, Jaime thought to themself. 

Why were the aliens looking at them like that. Whatever. 

“ _ Any _ fucking way,” said His Imperial Peacemaker, “when would be a good time to meet with them? Is there some sort of holy night coming up or something, I want to get this the fuck over with within a week, I’ve got shit going on.”

The clown winked at them. “My brother is all intent on making nice with all the subjugated species in his vast motherfuckin’ Empire, straight up ash for half the universe.”

His Imperial Peacemaker gave him a look of disgust(???). “You're absolutely _ lewd _ ,” he said.

Fantastic. The aliens were making sex jokes, and also apparently had a ton of subjugated species and a huge empire. 

Wonderful.

“I'll see what I can do, Your Imperial Peacemaker,” Jaime said. “I'll go to the mainland and get in contact with the U.N. right now, unless there's anything else?”

“I can't think of any other bullshit, so yeah, go ahead.”

Jaime nodded, and turned to go, their team following behind them.

Oh, shit, the other aliens eyes(???) were wide. He  _ turned his back _ on the Emperor, were they- no, it's fine, they'd made it to the doors, and someone was leading them to (presumably) their ship.

“Dude,  _ holy fuck!!!” _ Alia squealed after the doors closed behind them all. “We just talked to an  _ alien! _ This is the _ coolest _ thing that has  _ ever _ happened to me in my _ life _ , how are you not freaking out?”

“I  _ am,  _ only quietly,” Jaime said, through gritted teeth. 

Why. Was this. Their life.

On the other hand, Lizalda would be  _ thrilled _ to hear about it, so that was a thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conc#seastent c#apter lengt#s? Never met #er.


	4. Chapter 4

Gamzee sat at the edge of the heated saltwater pool in Karkat's ablution block, combing through Karkat's hair as he floated lazily in the water. “F’real, palest, you oughta accessorize more,” he said. “Maybe grow out your hair, you'd look nice. Least a horn band or  _ something _ , make yourself look more like a proper Emperor.”

“Fuck off,” Karkat said idly, breathing in in time to the fluttering of his gills.

“Invertebro. Even the gogdamn _ Handmaid _ had more decorations than you. The  _ Handmaid _ .”

“Yeah, and see where that got her, chucklefuck.  _ I'm _ sensible enough to make it harder to stab me than it already is.” 

Gamzee rolled his oculars. “A little jewelry wouldn't hurt, be more traditional at the very least, brother.”

“Pail tradition, right up the wastechute,” murmured Karkat as he relaxed further into the pool. He looked at Gamzee with a mischievous look.

“Brother, what- ack!” Gamzee sputtered as he clung to Karkat, claws scrabbling on his slick chitin as he frantically tried to not sink in the warm water his moirail had pulled him into.

Karkat purred as he snickered, holding Gamzee to his thorax with a smug look.

“Bro.” Gamzee petted his moirail's gills lightly, teasingly, a sharp juxtaposition to his alarmed, slightly terrified expression.

“Yes?” Karkat asked innocently.

_“Don't drop me_. _”_ Gamzee's tone held all the urgency of someone who didn't know how to swim and was in the middle of a deep pool, which, coincidentally, he _very much_ _was_.

“Keep petting my gills like that and I'll consider it-  _ oh yes there fuck Gamzee.” _

Gamzee chuckled to himself as his moirail held him closer, and played with the edge of a gill flap with sharp claws, careful not to injure it. Now the trick was to not get him so limp that he dropped him. This pool was  _ deep _ .


	5. Chapter 5

“Why in the grubshitting hell do you want to throw a _ party _ , Feferi. This is a gogdamn diplomatic meeting, not a Wriggling Night celebration! Fuck no, not happening!”

Is what Karkat  _ didn't _ say, in the face of Feferi's first show of anything but numbness in weeks. Instead, what he said was, “Sure, sounds fucking great. Do you want to plan it?” 

Feferi beamed. “Y----ES!!! Thanks, Eelperor! This is going to be SO much FIN! You won’t reedgret this!” She bounced off, practically vibrating with energy, and Eridan mouthed “Thank you” at Karkat, before being grabbed and tugged behind her as she gushed about tablecloths.

“Thankth, IP,” came quietly from a speaker.

Karkat ignored it. 

Sollux was grateful for that.

“I'm going to regret this, aren't I,” Karkat said tiredly. 

Gamzee reached up and patted him on the shoulder. “Probably, bro.”

  
  


\----

  
  


_ “There's  _ how  _ many countries on Earth?!  _ I thought there were just 7!”

“Theven  _ billion people,  _ IP. Gog, have you even read the file I thent you?” Sollux's voice was annoyed over the speakers.

“It was encrypted behind 22 layers of code in eye-searing red and blue! I'm running an Empire here, I'm too busy for your puzzle shit.”

“Learn how to multitathk, athhole,” Sollux snarked.

“Learn how to be less of an  _ athhole _ ,  _ Thollux _ ,” Karkat shot back.

Gamzee traced a diamond into his moirail's arm absentmindedly as he wrote a sermon, unconcerned as the rest of the Admirals, Generals, and assorted bureaucrats busied themselves with  _ anything _ but watching their Emperor black-flirt with The Spyoniic Livewire. 

“Thtick it up your wathtechute, IP. There'th 196, but thome of them aren't part of their U.N. tho we're going to have to invite them theparetely, too. Do you want to thee the invitationth FF dethigned?”

_ “Gog, _ no. Show me anyway.”

A holo showing one shimmered into being, and there was a long pause as Karkat took it in. He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it, opened it again, closed it.

“Are these already sent?” He said finally.

_ “Yeth, _ ” Sollux said smugly.

“Oh my *fucking*  _ Gog _ .”

Gamzee patted his arm silently. Internally, however, he was honking with mirth.

  
  


\----

  
  


Karkat looked at the three-dimensional, slowly rotating model of the *ballroom* Feferi had designed for when he would meet with the leaders of Earth. “Are the napkins all replicas of their flags?”

“Y--ES! Of course, Yoar Imperial Beachmakoer, we don't want anemone of them eeling left out!” Feferi was grinning with all her teeth.

Karkat was beginning to wonder if she was screwing with him. “Great. Fan-fucking-tastic. And the meeting plateau has a twin sickle motif on it?”

“Y--EP! Do you pike it?”

“...it's great. Go ahead.”

She bounced out of the room, and Karkat looked to the ceiling. 

“Sollux, is she fucking with me, or is this actually sincere?”

“Ehehehehe.”

“That's not an answer, shitlips.”

“Eheheh.”

  
  


\----

  
  


President Obama stared at the balloon-sized, bright red, origami crab on his desk. 

“And you say one of the aliens descended from the sky in a huge bug, walked past the entire White House security without a second thought, and delivered this?” he said weakly.

“Yes, sir.” The Secret Service agent nodded. “It's been checked over for traps and alien pathogens. It was remarkably clean.”

“What is it, exactly?” The President looked at it, puzzled as to why the aliens had sent an origami crab.

“They said it was an invitation. We are still unsure of how to open it.” The agent looked embarrassed. “We can call in some origami experts, if you would like, Mr. Pre-”

President Obama picked up the large invitation, and nearly dropped it in surprise as it unfolded neatly into a flat sheet.

There was a moment where they both boggled at it, wondering how it had done that.

“No need, young lady, I seem to have figured it out.”

President Obama leaned over the paper, propping himself up on his elbow as he read the bright red text. 

 

_ Hello, and welcome to the rest of the universe! You are invited to join His Imperial Peacemaker for a dawn meal in order to introduce the leaders of Earth to the Ruler of the Empire of Alternia. There, there can be introductions, trade negotiations, and more! There will be a flightbuggy coming to fetch you at 7:00 A.M. sharp, or you may fly yourself to  _ The War Ender  _ if you would prefer. Please keep a maximum of 8 weapons on your person and five or less guards with a maximum of seven weapons each. We understand that this may be less than the norm for your culture, but more than that would be considered a challenge, and we don't want that!  _

_ Regards, the Empire of Alternia. _

 

Eight?!?!? What kind of violent society- why would the guards have less weapons- a challenge?!?! A  _ flightbuggy? _

“They called it an invitation, did they?” He said, amazed at the evenness of his voice.

“Yes, sir,” the agent replied.

“More like a summons,” President Obama muttered to himself. He straightened up. “Well. I suppose it would be-”  _ an insult to a hugely powerful adversary/extremely inadvisable/hazardous/a death sentence  _ “-rude to not accept. Do my security at exactly their specifications; less might be offensive. Give me the spare weapons for my security, just in case. The other three can be mine, I  _ am  _ trained in my own strifekind. Anything else?”

“There are some bills for your approval, as well as a press conference over how you will approach the… aliens, and…” the agent went on describing his itinerary, but President Obama zoned out.  _ Aliens _ .

  
  


\----

  
  


Karkat glared at Gamzee. “No. I fucking _refuse_. Kanaya already bullied me into wearing this stupid shit-” An altered(read: skin tight) version of his normal soldier's uniform, colors flipped so it was red with black accents, with wide grey bands around his wrists, Gamzee's sign subtly worked in at the hollow of his throat, with a mid-calf-length grey _cloak,_ Not A Cape, _Cloak, Yes There Is A Difference ThankYouVeryMuch,_ _Your Imperial Fashion Disaster,_ hanging off his shoulders and held in place by silver pins in the shape of sickles, a black sickle belt with his nice sickles, and black knee-high boots, woven out of )(IC’s hair into a thick cloth (when Kanaya showed them to him, he'd looked at her in shocked disgust for a few moments, before eloquently remarking “What the FUCK?!?”) “- I refuse to wear anymore gaudy bullfuckery!”

Gamzee gave him a Look™. “Pabe. You’re the motherfucking  _ Emperor.  _ You gotta wear the crown. Make a good impression or some shit, I don’t even know. All  _ I  _ know is Kansis’ll be on my case about it forever if you don’t. She’ll be on  _ yours,  _ too. So.” He glared back. “Get down here so I can put it on.”

Karkat scoffed. “I can put it on myself, Gamzee, I’m not a wriggler.” He knelt down anyway, though, Gamzee’s cool hands softly disrupting his wild curls as he adjusted the thin band of Peixalium, the strongest metal in the known Empire, and one of the few ones that even Karkat couldn’t dent without really trying.

Gamzee brushed his fingers over the inlaid gems, every color of the hemospectrum shown in tiny specks, seemingly orbiting around two rubies crafted into Karkat’s sign. He went back to settling the crown in place, brushing curls out of the way. He pressed a soft kiss to the base of one nubby horn, eliciting a shiver, before his moirail stood fully, round razor-sharp teeth showing slightly in his smile.

“Thanks, Gamz,” Karkat said. He tapped the air twice in quick succession to summon a holo, glaring at the time. “Ugh,” he said disgustedly. “They’re getting here in twelve minutes. Fucking kill me.”

“Nah,” Gamzee said. “I’d rather pile you.”

“You’re  _ filthy.” _

“Honk.”


	6. Chapter 6

“Hail, Your Imperial Cherryness!” Terezi said gleefully, joining the moirails as they walked to the ballroom, cane tapping away at a much faster pace in order for her to keep pace with Karkat’s new stride. 

Karkat rolled his oculars. “Ugh, hey, Terezi. How’s Legislacerator training going? I can’t believe your bullshit disguise worked, by the way.”

Terezi cackled. “It’s all in the oculars, Your Nubbiness! And the horns.” Wanting to become a legislacerator in her own right, she’d gone “““undercover”””, wearing fake horns(insofar as not being hers) over her real ones, and eerily realistic contact lenses to pose as just another Legislacerator-in-training, and not a close hate-friend of the Emperor. Somehow, it had actually worked. “And I am at the top of my class! Hold your applause, please, I know you’re shocked!”

Karkat snorted. “Of course you are, Terezi, you had me quizzing you on Technical Inter-Caste Cullings while we fought off the moonbase of MN-7456746,  _ I  _ could probably pass a quiz on it.” He wasn’t joking, either; he’d been yelling out questions over the sounds of battle as he fought off multiple opponents at a time, just  _ waiting  _ for the chance to tell her she was wrong. It didn’t come. By the time they neutralized the base, he’d been hoarse, and she’d been smug.

“Aaaaaaaawwwwwwww, you remember! That’s adorable, I had no idea you cared!” Terezi teased, leaning as far into his space as she could, still a good deal shorter than him.

He pushed her away with one hand, fake-gagging. “You’re the absolute worst, and I hope you know that, you bitch.”

She cooed, knowing he was only joking. “The most adorabloodthirsty Emperor in history!” She cried.

“More like the  _ only _ Emperor in history,” Karkat shot back.

“Motherfuckin’  _ Messiahs, _ y’all need to figure yourselves out. Black one day, red the next, I swear,” Gamzee joked comfortably.

Terezi pretended to gag. “Eeeww. No offense, Emperor Cherry, but Vriska is much hotter. And I’m not sure I could ever really hate you, much less  _ that _ way! You’re too cute, I simply couldn’t!”

Karkat snorted. “I’d date you as soon as I’d date a ablution trap full of sharks, ass-grab. At least I wouldn’t get licked as much.”

They grinned playfully at each other, glad that they’d worked through their 6-sweeps-old relationship drama; that was  _ one  _ mess they were glad they’d cleaned up.

Karkat noticed how Terezi was struggling to keep up. “Fuck, Terezi, you could have gogdamn told me I was going too fast, you know that, right?” He slowed to what was, for him, practically a crawl, and a much more reasonable pace for Terezi’s much shorter stride. 

Terezi “Bluh!!”ed at him. “Oh, please, Your Imperial Cherryness! I’ve been in  _ Legislacerater _ training, not Secreterrorism! Your concern is touching, but I am more than capable of keeping up with you!”

“Yeah, well, have you fucking considered: shut the fuck up. Also, I don’t want to have the humans see my Head of Legal Bullshit, A.K.A.,  _ you, _ as an out of breath mess, ever considered that? Don’t be an idiot, I *can* actually do this _ revolutionary _ new thing, it’s called ‘slowing down’.” He gave her a Look™. “I get that this might be a new concept for you, seeing as you always made *me* run after you, but some people have this thing called common decency.”

“Ha! You say that as if it didn’t keep at top fighting form, Your Imperial Adorabloodthirstyness! You’re welcome!” Terezi sniffed around. “And where is my dear Spider-sprit? I’ve missed her!” Her tone was as enthusiastic as it ever was, but there was a softness to it that she couldn’t keep out. 

“Your matespritship is disgusting, FY-fucking-I, but she’s going to be late. She’s still off getting rid of the last batch of idiots who thought they could get away with saying seditious shit just because they weren’t saying it to my face. She’ll be here in time for the negotiation bullshit, though. If you could keep the sloppy makeouts to a minimum I’d really fucking appreciate it.” 

“I’ll keep that under consideration, Emperor Karkles!” She laughed, but there was an undertone of relief. 

Gamzee scruffled her hair. “Aaawww, so motherfuckin sweet, Terecita. Gogdamn adorable.”

“Hah! Not half as cute as you and Emperor Cherrykat, Mr. Grape Jelly!” She leered. “And not even a quarter as flagrant, according my sources!”

“Sollux is a lying liar, and cannot be trusted, that bifurcated dick.” 

The speakers crackled, completely unnecessarily, far too high-tech to actually do it on their own. “Ehehehehe,  _ thuuuuure _ I am, IP. Whatever helpth you thleep at day.”

Karkat flipped off the ceiling. “I *cannot*  _ believe _ that you are seriously making the speakers crackle  _ on purpose _ just to be a bitch. Fucking *cannot*.”

“Yeth you can,” Sollux said. 

Karkat made a face. “Yeah, I can.”

Terezi and Gamzee waggled their eyebrows at each other.

  
  


\----

  
  


“Hey, Kan!” Eridan was on Feferi’s arm, smiling at Kanaya in his crisp Fleet Surveyor’s uniform, traces of worry over his moirail almost completely gone. The pair made their way towards her, joining her as she waited for Karkat to arrive at the meeting place for the Twelve. “Thanks for the neww clothes, you reely outdid yoarshellf!”

Kanaya gave a small smile. “Yes, and I see that you have listened to my advice and foregone your cape. It is like there is a funny little Twelfth Perigree miracle happening in my pusher.”

Feferi snorted at her, a small ‘glub!’ coming from her gills. “Yoar so shelly, Kanaya! I can't bereef you reely got His Imperial Beachkelper to actshoally wear somefin otter than his dumb uniform.” She giggled. “Our Emperor is reely shelly sometimes, huh?”

Kanaya smiled conspiratorially. “Perhaps. Careful, there are auriculars everywhere.” She looked at the ceiling.

Eridan chuckled. “Hey Sol, you there? Actually gonna come to tha’ ball, or just stay with yoar bees and brood like a  _ suckerfish _ ?” 

With copious amounts of mediation, they had worked through their issues with each other, and when  _ that  _ failed, Kanaya threw them into a decommissioned escape pod and chucked it out of the ship herself. In the three nights it took them to get back, they'd learned that being assholes to one another quickly became less amusing when they yelled themselves out and had time to see how it fucked with the other. And when they saw how happy it made Feferi, they kept it up. 

“ _ You're _ the one who broodth, fithh-fathe. Get it thtraight. And nah, AA’th making me get out, thayth thome artificial light’ll do me good or whatever.”

Eridan cooed. “Awwwwww, that's swweet, Sol. See you there.”

Feferi giggled at the two of them snarking good-naturedly at each other, before turning back to Kanaya. “I reely can't thank you enough, Kanaya! Cod, remember how bad it used to be?”

Kanaya looked dubious. “To tell the truth, I merely did it to get them to shut up about the other. It was getting on my nerves.”

“Hee hee hee! I know what you mean.”

  
  


\----

  
  


Tavros was making expansive hand gestures as he talked with Nepeta. “They have very gentle thoughts, actually, and I wish you wouldn't, kill them. At least, just chase them away, or let me get rid of them, preferably.”

Nepeta stuck her tongue out at him. “But they're creepy! I hate that planet, why do we have to deal with it?”

Tavros rolled his oculars. “Because that’s, what we do, as Ambassassins to, Alternian colonies, and because our, Emperor told us to.”

“But they’re creepy!”

“That, doesn’t matter!”

“But they’re  _ creepy!” _

“No they, aren’t!”

“Yes they  _ are _ !”

Tavros threw his hands up in the air, wings flapping in annoyance. “That's, it!  _ Equius _ can, deal with you, whenever you get like this. I'm, done, you're as annoying, as Vriska at 4 sweeps.”

Nepeta made a yowling noise in outrage, before catching sight of Equius coming into the block from the other end. She ran over and pounced on him, luxuriating in his presence, before gasping as she noticed a difference in her moirail.

“Equius! You're all dry! It's amewzing!”

He shifted uncomfortably. “Yes, The Creatriz’s proficiency with fabrics is excellent.” He looked over to where Kanaya was talking with Feferi. “Oh. It seems she is still speaking with Softseas. I suppose I shall have to wait to thank her.” He looked at Nepeta, still clinging to him. “It is good to see you in person, Nepeta. I have… missed you, STRONGly.”

Nepeta grinned. “I've missed you too, Equihiss!” 

Behind her, Tavros gagged.

  
  


\----

  
  


Aradia bounced into the room, balancing effortlessly on her high red zōri with just a touch of psionics, black-and-rust kimono looping with her sign, the slightest of yellow accents at her hips. She tugged Sollux behind her like a balloon, having coaxed him into wearing the clothes Kanaya made him, bribing him with a steaming cup of shitty soda.

“Hello, everyone!” She cried, smiling. She pursed her rust-painted lips. “Ok, so not everyone. Hi, almost everyone!”

Feferi waved. “Shello, Aradia! It's good to sea you again!”

Equius began sweating. “Hello, Neorisen.”

“Aradia!” She chirped.

He swallowed. “Hello, Aradia. I hope you are well?”

She grinned. “Great!”

Sollux glared at Equius over his mug, neon-colored steam adding a menacing glow. He made a 'slice!’ motion across his neck at the blueblood.

Equius swallowed. “I am glad.” He nodded, looking back at Nepeta, who was still latched onto him ( _ adorable! _ Aradia thought).

Aradia yanked Sollux down playfully. “You're so mean, Sollux! He's just awkward, you can cut down on the cull threats already!”

“He'th a thweaty hoofbeatht weirdo, ith what he ith, AA. Don't encourage him.” 

She pouted. “How _ else _ am I supposed to convince him to let me court Nepeta? By being _ mean  _ to him?”

Sollux facepalmed x2 with a 'smack!’, mug floating in blue sparks.

  
  


\----

  
  


The door slid open as Karkat strode towards it, still caring loudly at Terezi.

“-you can’t just get into fights with your school-feeders like that, you’re going to get yourself culled! Honestly, how the fuck did you even survive to fucking adulthood, you’re the stupidest, most pan-damaged idiot I know! Fuck’s sake.”

Gamzee chuckled at him, affectionately knocking a horn against his shoulder. “Shush now. Can’t have you gettin’ motherfuckin’ worked up ‘fore we go diplomaterrorize on the humans.”

Feferi waved from where she was talking to Aradia. “Shello, Emperor CrabCatch! I was whalendering when you’d get here!”

“Yeah yeah, hello to you too, Feferi.” Karkat waved. 

Nepeta squealed. “Your Impurrial Peacemouser! I’m so glad to see mew!” She bounded over, detaching from Equius to get to Karkat. “I’m tired of working with Tavfuros,” she pouted. “He’s boring, and won’t let me kill  _ anything,  _ he’s such a culljoy!”

Karkat raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, but you guys actually make a pretty fucking good team, somehow. We haven’t had any complaints from the planets you visited. Also, I don’t trust anyone other than you to do this, so tough it the fuck out. Either work it out between yourselves or get a fucking auspice, I can’t have you two making out on the job.”

Nepeta hissed.  _ “Fine.  _ But I’m  _ not _ black for him! He just  _ sucks.” _ She walked back to Equius, sticking her tongue out at Tavros as she went.

“Ah, young love!” Terezi said.

“Five caegers says they get together before the end of the perigree,” Gamzee said.

“Done, Mr. Grape Jelly!” Terezi crowed. “I give it a perigree and a half.”

Karkat facepalmed. “I can’t believe you’re betting on their hate-lives. You both suck.”

Gamzee chirped at him.

Karkat's fins flushed.

  
  


\----

  
  


President Obama stepped out of the helicopter onto the landing deck of the  _ enormous organic-looking possibly-a-bug ship,  _ security following behind him. He straightened his tie unnecessarily, looking around at the other attendees. There was the Prime Minister of Thailand, the French President, the King of Saudi Arabia… none of  _ them _ had taken the flightbuggies either, which mollified him. The invitation _ had _ said it would be alright, but,  _ again,  _ aliens. Who knew. He exhaled, squaring his shoulders, and turned towards the entry way, a bright red carpet leading towards an elaborately decorated archway, flanked by two 'Trolls’. His reports had been correct, it seemed: military uniforms, all black with accents according to eye color; large horns, striped red, orange, and yellow; heavily scarred; and  _ very _ tall. One was brown-accented, tall horns in the shape of curving z’s, the other green, horns growing straight out of the sides of their head at a 35 degree angle. They each had their own insignia, likely rank markers. He took a deep breath, and started for the doors, security following behind him. One of the aliens offered him an earpiece at the entry; he put it in warily.

“Can you understand me, Xir?” They said.

“Perfectly, thank you. Might I know where I am going?” President Obama was surprised at the calm tone he was using.

They nodded. “You will be directed by a guide.” They faced forward again.

He took a short breath, and walked forward, a Troll in rust-red coming to direct him. 

They walked the halls, him trying not to marvel at the jewel-inlaid walls and murals, heavily featuring 'His Imperial Peacemaker’ in various styles and poses, and twin sickles, the Cancer sign looping everywhere he looked, always in bright, burning red. 

He supposed vanity was allowed for Emperors of vast, space-faring empires.

They passed through hallways, before finally coming to an even more ornate doorway, the troll bowing them through. 

Inside, the leaders of every country in the world were gathered, and even with their security, it still didn't seem crowded. President Obama shook his head, re-entering his diplomatic state. Deep breath, and… go. Just like any other diplomatic function.

Except for the fact that it was different in every single way.

  
  


\----

  
  


Karkat got a beep from his wrist-husk. “They're all here. Show time, fuckholes.  _ Please _ don't fuck this up.” He got a general sound of agreement from all. He had his doubts. “Like I believe that. Come on, let's get this over with. At least Vriska isn't here yet…” he muttered the last bit. Squaring his shoulders, he started out the doors, Gamzee at his side and hatefriends behind him.

He'd never admit it, but he was glad that they had stayed with him.


	7. Chapter 7

The entire ballroom turned to look as His Imperial Peacemaker and 10 courtiers(???) entered through the opposite door. They were not all in army uniforms as he'd thought they would be; one in a rust-red kimono and high zōri of the same color, another in a pink wrap-around skirt with a flowing top, and another in, of all things, black jeans and a t-shirt that looked suspiciously like the ones ‘gamers’ wore, another in-

Wait.

Was that one wearing _ clown face paint?!?!?!?! _

Deep breath. Ok. Aliens either have clowns, or think they're a human thing and are trying to be culturally sensitive. 

“All hail His Imperial Peacemaker,” one of the servants(???) intoned gravely. 

All of the trolls in the room paused what they were doing to kneel for a few moments, getting back up smoothly. “ **All hail,”** they answered.

His Imperial Peacemaker nodded, face showing disinterest (????) and boredom (???), if humans and trolls shared facial expressions.

“All motherfuckin’ salute the Grand fucking Highblood, sibs!” another whooped, face painted in a different way, but with the same color eyes as the clown that had come out just behind His Imperial Peacemaker. 

A few answered with loud 'Whoop whoop!'s of their own, and the clown smiled lazily at them, sharp fangs hanging out of their mouth carelessly.

His Imperial Peacemaker lowered his chin, horns canting forward in a way that seemed to exude pride.

“I’d like to formally welcome you to the rest of the universe. I really hope we can all be on amicable terms. It’d be my pleasure to discuss relations between your…” he trailed off, eyes(???) squinting (in thought???) “- _ countries _ , and my Empire. These,” he swept a hand(???) at the courtiers behind him, “-are the rest of the Twelve, minus The Countess Mindgrip, and are some of the others you can speak with if I am unavailable.”

They all smiled, teeth all of varying sharpness and prominence. 

President Obama couldn’t hold back a shiver at that, lizard brain seeing a threat, even though he knew, logically, that they were there for peace… supposedly. Deep breath. And… go. Diplomacy. 

The one in the kimono was coming towards him, one of the shortest in the room, at approximately 6 feet, the t-shirt-clad one trailing behind her holding something that looked almost exactly like an energy drink, but for the twitching bug legs on it. “Hello!” they chirped. “I’m The Neorisen, descendant of the Demoness! Do you know how many ghosts you have around you?”

The gamer one facepalmed. “AA, that is  _ exactly _ the thing you should  _ not _ have said. Sorry about her,” he said, turning to the President’s wide-eyed stare. “She sees ghosts, and doesn’t really understand they’re not a good conversation starter. I’m The Livewire, descendant of The Ψiioniic. It’s nice to meet you.” They held out their hand, soda(???) can suddenly floating in the air as they simultaneously elbowed The Neorisen in the ribs(???), who stuck her tongue(???) out at him, before turning back with a flat-toothed smile.

President Obama was so shocked by the floating soda can he didn’t even notice. 

The Livewire looked to it, then surprise(???) crossed his face(???), followed by understanding(???). “Oh yeah, you guys don’t have psionics,” he said, as if only just remembering. He turned back, eyes hidden behind 3-D glasses. “I’m a yellowblood, and one of the ones who has psionics, so that’s what I’m using to keep it floating.”

“Ah,” President Obama said. That still didn't answer how apparently she could _ see ghosts _ , but oh well.

The Neorisen, who was also apparently Ay Ay/AA/ _ however it was spelled  _ elbowed them in the ribs(???). “Sollux, there’s no need to sound so condescending! Remember, the Emperor killed  _ her!” _

Sollux snickered.”Your puns are the  _ worst,  _ AA.”

She floated up and knocked him on the horn with her own. She whispered something in his ear(???), then landed lightly on the floor.

President Obama blinked. “So, you are a yellow blood, too, then?”

The Neorisen and The Livewire blinked at him in unison, then laughed(???).

“Oh,  _ God _ no!” She laughed(???). “Sorry,” she said, winding down from her laughter(???). “I’m not laughing at you, I promise! It’s just that I’m  _ really not! _ I’m a rustblood, which is  _ very _ different. See my teeth?” She bared them, flat and gleaming. “They’re all flat! Even bronzebloods have sharper ones, haha!” 

“Ah,” President Obama said again. “I see.”

“No, you don’t!” she chirped. “But that’s ok!”

How was he going to survive this day.

  
  


\----

  
  


Karkat kept his fins folded and steady, gritting his teeth as he fuckhead in front of him prattled on about how, “Oh,  _ her _ ? Don’t even worry about her, she’s only a  _ woman,  _ they’re very flighty, prone to flights of fancy and such, I’m sure you know-”

Karkat’s fins unfurled from where they had been tightly kept contained. He glared down at them. “Actually,” he said, a growl-hum tinging his words, “on Alternia, and most of the rest of the gogdamn universe, the females are larger, stronger, and more deadly. My closest advisors are women. Most of my scars are from women. The duel with )(er Imperial Condescension nearly killed me. I am the first Emperor in history, as every other male challenger died quickly and brutally. So you will not disrespect  _ any  _ of the Twelve, or I won’t be the one to deal with you. I’d really fucking hate for negotiations to go awry before they even start.” He sneered down at the man’s shocked face.

Gamzee huffed at him. “Dis-motherfuckin’-missed, bro.” He leaned down to be eye-to-ocular with him, bent practically 90 ° at the waist to match his 5’6 height. “And don’t think we won’t be motherfuckin’  _ rememberin’ _ this,  _ brother.”  _ He stood, rolling his neck, placing his palm on Karkat’s arm, the perfect conciliator-conciliated pair, a calming coolness to burning fire, and they took their leave, Gamzee reaching up to gently pull Karkat’s auricular closer, whispering sweet placations to him in a soothing tone as he led him away.

Still frozen in fear, the man stood there, shocked and terrified to his core, regretting many of his life choices, and marking down to avoid any of the  _ remotely  _ feminine aliens with a fervor.

Talking to the ‘Prime Minister’ of something-or-another, Aradia grinned as one of her ghosts brought her the news, momentarily startling her conversation partner. “Sorry, what was that?” she said sweetly. “I just had a message come in. Please, continue!”

  
  


\----

  
  


Gamzee felt a faint buzz at his wrist, alerting him to the time, and leaned up on the tips of his toes to whisper in his moirail’s auricular. “Time for your speech, brother, then dinner, then diplomaterrorizing. And then, _ just us _ ,” he purred. 

Karkat’s fins twitched in interest, and he smiled at the world leader he was speaking to. “Excuse me,” he said, “but I have to go. My apologies.” He turned, offering Gamzee his arm again, red painted claws grasping it delicately, and the two of them took their leave, leaving yet another world leader wondering if they were dating, married, possibly a personal attendant, or just aliens.

Well, 3 out of 4 wasn't  _ that _ bad.

As they walked away, Karkat leaned down to whisper in Gamzee’s auricular. “If I have to suppress one more curse word,” he hissed, “one more cuss, swear, obscenity, swear word, expletive, oath, profanity, seven-letter word, dirty word, blasphemy, cuss, cuss word, or imprecation, I am going to _ fucking lose my gogdamn thinkpan,  _ do you hear?  _ Lose. It.” _

Gamzee looked up at him, purple eyes full of pity as he reached up, smoothing his thumb over a fin, trailing a claw down his right gills, all while tilting his chin up, throat bared to him as he stared into crimson fire.

Karkat sighed, blinking slowly, and then straightened up, shoulders squared and horns forward. “Alright. Let's fucking do this. How much longer could this take, anyway? We'll be out of here in no time.”

Gamzee glanced down at his wrist-husk time display. Best keep quiet about it. No need to discourage him over much.


	8. Chapter 8

“-and continue to build bridges between our two species and multitude of nations.” Karkat smiled, and sat at his seat in between the handles of the painted sickles on the decorated surface of the table. At his left Gamzee sat, face schooled placid as he rubbed calming diamonds into his moirail’s thigh. At his right was Feferi, as regal as ever, pretty in pink and as close to glowing as any non-drinker could be, pride in her planning showing clearly. 

Eridan sat next to her, a mix of delighted over her cheeriness and exhausted from diplomaterrorizing the entire morning. Cod _ damn _ , any reseanable troll shoald be sleepin’ pike noww, and wwhat wwas he doin’? He looked over at Feferi, and smiled softly. Bein’ a good morayeel, he guessed. Evven if he wwas gonna sleep for a wweek after this.

The rest of the Twelve were sat around them, Kanaya quite literally glowing with pride as she saw how well her designs for clothes had worked on her hatefriends, even having managed to wrangle Nepeta out of her hunting furs and into a more presentable olive uniform, well fitted jacket trimmed in the (cured, for  _ once _ ) furs of her prey. Aradia was radiant in her red, black, and gold kimono, hair done up in high mounds and pinned in place with pomegranate-flower shaped crystals, her Ancestor’s wands tucked inside. Eridan looked dashing in his tailored suit, tyrian earrings clipped onto his fins and bringing out the violet in the thin membrane. Tavros looked just on the edge of feminine, with his broad, well muscled shoulders and muscular thorax, but the tight mahogany vest Kanaya had fitted him with brought out his more masculine features, the thinner frame and wider snort barrels, the distinctively male position of his auriculars amplified by thin bronze chains threaded through old shrapnel wounds. Yes, looking at her hatefriends, she had done an excellent job on all of them… except for _ Sollux,  _ who had apparently _ changed out of the clothes she made him  _ **_just_ ** _ before they began the diplomattack dinner Simply To Be A Little Bitch _ . She was going to take her chainsaw to his fucking beehives for this, mark her words… 

She took a breath in, leaning back slightly as a fidgety waiter came over, holding a tray of 12 glasses of blood, the full spectrum represented because of Karkat and Feferi’s generosity. They were careful to conceal their shaking, not spilling a single drop as they set the glasses in front of her, the color of the glass matching the blood within.

Kanaya smiled at them. “I am not quite so hungry that I would risk a diplomaterrorist incident, you know,” she said, smiling in the least predatory way she could manage. “Nor so desperate that I would take from an unwilling donor. If you are too frightened, you can get a replacement.”

They nodded, setting the last one down. “That will not be necessary, Luminary Creatriz. Thank you.” They retreated swiftly, tension rolling off them in waves.

Ah, well. She could not force them, and she had no interest in a moirail as of late. She was far too busy in the Brooding Caverns, as well as the Mysterious Disappearances of dissenters in the Fleet, for one. Even if Porula was very pitiful, and a fellow rainbow drinker, and a Signlessist who similarly sought to honor the Dolorosa-

This was Very Improper to be Thinking About at A Diplomattack Dinner Of All Places. Kanaya hurriedly took a sip of blood, tasting the sweet mint-aluminum of bronze blood. Terezi had been quite off on her expectations of their flavors, she mused, as they had less than nothing to do with their colors. The human next to her started light conversation. She followed it, adding in at the appropriate intervals, smiled without teeth where it was warranted, smiled with teeth when it was needed. Her thinkpan drifted. Her thorax ached where the scar was. She took a hasty gulp of cerulean ichor. It had not ached for some time, not since the Duel, not since before the Duel. Something was going to happen. Something was going to  _ happen,  _ or even  _ Happen,  _ and she was Very Worried. She drained the cup of rust- no, burgundy, they weren’t using that term anymore- blood in a single sip. The small jitters in her prongs ceased. 

Then her ears pricked. Fifteen seats away, there was a conversation going on, small whispers between three of the humans, quiet for them, loud enough for Trolls that anyone above olive could hear it. 

And Sollux had made auricular pieces for  _ all  _ of them to boost their hearing to Karkat’s level.

_ “You are sure that bullets will work?”  _ one of them hissed.

_ “It’s an overgrown fish,”  _ the middle one hissed back.  _ “Of course it will.” _

Every single Troll in the room swiveled their auriculars toward them, not outwardly changing their body language, but the scent of ozone crackled throughout the block, strife specibi primed. 

Karkat raised a prong casually, tucking a strand of hair behind a fin, and made the signal for ‘hold; I’ll deal with it’.

The scent of ozone diminished, and auriculars turned away. The Emperor’s word was law, and their trust in him was unwavering. He had bested his predecessor; he could best the humans. 

The one in the middle tapped a poorly concealed (to Trolls, at the least) headset.  _ “Now,”  _ they hissed. 

From their position near the wall, next to the other security agents, 23 agents from 5 different ‘countries’ shot at His Imperial Peacemaker in unison, metal shooting through the air. They froze 2 feet from Karkat’s face, blue and red energy crackling around them, Sollux’s quirk showing through even in an assassination attempt. The agents were flicked forward, weapons ripped from them, and immobilized by bands of crackling light.

Karkat stood, looking down at the conspirators.

“That,” he said, no aggression in his tone but red in his eyes, “was a mistake.”

Commendably, they did not run for the doors immediately. Very Brave, or Very Stupid. Likely Just Stupid. They obviously Did Not Understand The Extent Of Their Folly.

Kanaya reapplied her lipstick, then placed it in the bottom of the deepest pocket she owned. She took a sip of teal. This would be Interesting. 

The human next to her was shocked.  _ “How are you so calm?” _ they hissed.

She looked at them amusedly. “You know, we have much better hearing than you, so whispering does nothing to conceal it from prying auriculars. Unless you wish to keep this from your fellow humans, simply speak normally.”

Their eyes widened a moment, then went to normal. “I suppose I shouldn’t have expected aliens to be similar to humans,” they said. 

She shook her head. “No, you shouldn’t have. Would you like to continue watching?”

In the short time they’d been conversing, Karkat had remained remarkably close to the handle, if barely holding onto it with a single prong digit was considered remarkably close. His frame was imposing, and made all the more so by the fine cloak she had made him, emphasizing his 13’4 height, giving him significant height over the humans. His lip curled as he looked at the resolute humans.

“-really, you’re going to try gogdamn to assassinate me on  _ my own shitting ship? _ This is insulting, you’re not even fucking planning properly for this, I thought you humans were supposed to be  _ warlike.  _ Sollux, were you just fucking with me on that? Because the quality of this is fucking  _ offensive _ .”

Sollux looked up from where he was screwing around on a hand-held husktop. “Nah, their hithtory ledgerth are crammed full of warth and thhit like that, gave me a hell of a nug-ache downloading it all,  _ by the way,  _ tho you’re welcome for that.”

“Shut your squawk-blaster, asshole.” Karkat sat down, turning his glare back on the conspirators as he tapped his claws on the arm of his throne. “I know for a  _ fact,  _ by the way, that trying to assassinate people over a meal isn’t a custom for humans. It isn’t for Trolls, either, as a matter of fact, seeing as when we want to kill someone  _ we do it our own damn selves!” _ He narrowed his oculars at them. “You can go. The United Species Council will invite you to the Council if they want you there. The Alternian Empire will not be associating with gogdamn cowards.”

They didn’t move for a moment. Two. Three. 

Karkat’s fins slowly bloomed, flushing redder and redder, matching his rapidly darkening sclera. The air in the dining block was electric, every single Troll stopped short by the sight of their Emperor’s fins and darkening sclera. 

Gamzee met oculars with Kanaya, Terezi, Tavros, Nepeta, with the rest of the Twelve. Sollux put away his husktop, ready to go.

Karkat looked at them harder. “I said,” he repeated, “that you could  _ go. _ Funnily enough, I must’ve seemed like it was a  _ request.  _ My mistake! Silly gogdamn me.  _ Get off my ship, _ **_now_ ** _ , or I will have you fucking  _ **_removed.”_ **

They stood, far too slowly to be meant as anything other than the blatant disrespect it was, and  _ Turned Their Backs On Him  _ as they walked towards the doors, agents following behind. Every single Troll in the block followed their movements in nigh-perfect unison, Kanaya’s fangs aching for want of something to  _ bitetearslashrip _ because they were threatening her _ Emperor,  _ her  _ hatefriend,  _ they were threatening  _ Karkat and she should Not Have To Stand For That!!! _

They stopped before the doors, unsure how to open them, and no Trolls came to help them. 

Sollux flicked them open psionically, shutting them closed the second they were clear.

Karkat looked at the rest of the block. “If you’ll excuse us for a moment,” he bit out, “we’ll be occupied for a few minutes.” He stood, striding towards the nearest exit, Gamzee following closely as other trolls practically threw themselves out of the path of their Emperor. The doors shut behind them, and the block was silent.

Kanaya took a sip of purple. She should really trim her claws, they were getting dull. She turned back to the human she had been talking to.

“So, what was it that we were speaking about?”


	9. Chapter 9

The second the doors closed behind Gamzee he was on Karkat, clawing his way up his cloak to be level with him and hooking an arm around his neck in a hug, all pretense of calm gone as he frantically papped him, red-painted claws flitting over neck-gills and ear-fins with soft caresses, as much for Karkat’s pacification as his own, the fear over the danger his best beloved brother had been in crashing over him like the tide against the rocks by his old hive on Alternia.

Karkat half-turned, smacking his hand against the wall of the ship, carving deep gouges in the reinforced metal paneling. His claws raked the bio-guts of the ship itself, and they twitched away from him as he wrenched out his hand, the tyrian blood coating his hand reminding him of the aftermath of the Duel. He snarled.

“How _ dare  _ they?” He growled. “I let them  _ live, _ and they *turned* their *backs* on me? I should _ cull  _ them for this.” He raked his claws against the wall again. “I should let you  _ subjuggulate  _ them, get some new colors for your fucking murals, I should-”

_ “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,”  _ Gamzee crooned from his ungainly hold on Karkat, straining to get level with Karkat's face.  _ “Shooooooosh  _ now pabe,  _ hush,  _ ain’t none here’ll do you disrespect, now  _ shooooosh,” _ he kissed his exposed neck gills, peppered them with his lips, leaving behind the hints of greasepaint smudges, claws tracing the membrane of a fin lightly, knuckles rubbing over the faint outline of a thoracic gill under his armor. In that moment, more than ever, he wished that his moirail had stayed short, make it easier to pacify him. Note: get Kansis to make you some motherfuckin elevated strut-pod casings. 

Karkat snarled, face a landscape of offended anger. “The fucking  _ nerve  _ of them, on my *own* ship! _ How *dare* they,  _ I should crush them underneath my gogdamn heel, wipe their countries off the fucking map for this!  _ How dare they-” _

Gamzee buried his face in Karkat’s neck, and set his fangs against the gills, sharp points just barely raising tiny beads of blood where they touched skin, and exhaled slowly, cool breath washing over the delicate organ.

All at once, Karkat went limp into Gamzee’s waiting arms, their owner marking his face with soft flutter-insect kisses as he steadied himself on his fronds. 

_ “Shhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhhh,”  _ Gamzee whispered into Karkat’s left auricular.  _ “Shoosh, invertebro, hush yourself now.” _

Karkat chirped, fins drooping. 

_ “Yeah, just like that, brother, shhhhhhhhh,” _ Gamzee papped his cheek, shushing him softly.

Karkat sighed contentedly. He stood up straight, flicking himself in the base of a horn to dispel some of the fog in his head, and looked at a light fixture to narrow his pupils. “Thanks,” he said, kissing Gamzee on the cheek. 

Gamzee looked up at him, smiling. “Any time, invertebro.”

Karkat offered his elbow, and Gamzee took it, a calming coolness to burning fire. Together, they walked back to the doors, ready to face the morning.

  
  


\----

  
  


“Helloooooooo, everyone!” Vriska called, coat flaring behind her as she strode into the uproarious block. She blinked hard as she saw the constrained chaos. She made a confused face, and walked over to her hatefriends, the only ones in the block that weren't quietly screeching to each other about how 'this could ruin peace talks’ and 'oh God what if they attack us’ or some hoofbeast shit like that. She plopped into the empty seat next to Nepeta. “Yeah, great, hi, great to see you again,  _ what the fuck is going on?” _

Nepeta rolled her oculars. “Some of the humeowns tried to assassinate the Empurrer, and now all of the rest are fureaking out about it.”

Vriska snorted. “That’s  _ it? _ I thought it might actually be something _ important.  _ Jeez, these humans really are tightasses, I never thought Captor could actually be  _ right _ about something!” She looked around. “Where's His Imperial Nubbiness, anyway? Off with his moirail again?”

Equius spoke from next to Nepeta. “The Emperor left with the Grand Highblood a few minutes ago, Mindgrip.”

“Nice to see you too, Voidiron. Uptight as ever, I see,” Vriska huffed.

“It's a work in purrogress,” Nepeta said to her mock-gravely. 

Vriska kicked her chair back and put her walk stubs on the table. “Whatever. Hey, babe!” She yelled across the table to her girlfriend.

“‘Sup, Serket!” Terezi yelled back.

“The ceiling!”

They both cackled in unison, garnering attention even amongst the dignified mayhem.

“Fantastic, now there's _ another _ ,” said one of the suits.

Vriska made a  _ filthy _ gesture at them, making Equius sweat.

“This is a  _ diplomattack dinner _ . You will stop.”

Vriska sneered. “The hemospectrum is dead, asshole. You can't tell  _ me _ what to-”

“I am  _ aware _ of that, Mindgrip, nor do I want it back. You will stop, because I have a remote control for your arm.” Equius popped a tooth, enamel bouncing on the table top.

Nepeta papped him on the cheek. “Shoosh!” She said. “No threats! Ask her nicely!”

Equius gentled.  _ “Please _ do not do that at a diplomattack dinner, Mindgrip. It is highly improper, and I would prefer not to see it.”

“Weeeeeeeell, if it bothers you thaaaaaaaat much, I gueeeeeeeess I can  _ somehow _ manage to hold myself back.”

_ “Thank _ you.”

Terezi signed to her from across the table “sneaky retreat, regroup and strategize”.

“You’re not fooling anyone, TZ!” Sollux yelled. 

“Bluh to you too, Captor!” She cackled back good-naturedly.

“Hey fish-face, finally lose the asshole cape?” Vriska yelled at Eridan.

“Great ta’ sea ya’ too, Vvris!” He yelled back sarcastically.

“Vriska, you're going to catch these prongs!” Terezi cackled.

Nepeta’s oculars sparkled. “Are mew two  _ flipping pale  _ on each other?” She squealed.

“It would not be the first time,” Equius noted dryly. 

Vriska waggled her eyebrows at him. “Jealous, Zahhak?”

He gave her a disgusted look. “You  _ know _ I am not, Mindgrip.”

Nepeta pouted, going back to her fresh cacklebeast, mutter about how ‘neifur of them were any furn’.

  
  


\----

  
  


Karkat walked through the doors, Gamzee on his arm, and his eyes widened at the quiet fuckery. 

“What the shit?” he gave a disbelieving look to Gamzee, who shrugged.

“Hell if I know, brother. Shall we?”

“We fucking shall.” They made for their seats, and the block quieted as the humans noticed the cause of their worry had returned.

“I apologise for my absence, I had to be with my moirail for a moment. I do not hold any of you at fault, and this will not affect our diplomattack relations.”

A sigh of relief swept through the large block, quiet individually but noisome in unison. 

Karkat sat again, Gamzee sitting to his left, and conversation went on.

“Helloooooooo, Peacemaker, I'm here now! You could at least say hi!” Vriska snapped her prong digits to catch Karkat’s attention, him giving her an unimpressed look.

“Oh, you decided to show up, Serket? Fucking finally. You just missed this whole shitshow, 6-sweeps-Eridan levels of dramatic.”

“Hey! I reseant that, Eelperor Vvantas!!” Eridan was puffed up in indignancy, gills flapping in discontent.

Karkat narrowed his oculars. “Didn’t I make a law or something about not making puns out of my title?”

“Nope!” Feferi said smugly. “And I trout you whale! Yoar too nice!”

“Bullshit,” Karkat said. “Try me, Softseas, I'm the Emperor, I'll do what I want.”

“Craybe so! But you don't reely want to, so you won’t do it!”

“Fuck off.”

Feferi just smiled at him, chin tilted up to indicate friendliness. “I whaled if you reely wanted me too, Eelperor. But you don’t, so I won’t!”

He flipped her off.


	10. Chapter 10

Karkat ground his teeth the longer he listened. “Ok,” he said, tone making almost every Troll in the room cringe for its recipient. “You want me to  _ not only _ hand over the plans for a MP612 battle cruiser, but an actual _ ship _ too?” His lip curled. “Give me  _ one _ good reason to.”

“It would impact the relationship between our countries, br-”

“I don't have  _ a  _ *country*, I have an  _ Empire _ .” Karkat flicked his hand derisively. 

“...Between my country and your Empire, bring greater understanding of space travel to us, and assure us of your good intentions.”

Karkat picked at the underside of his claw bed for imaginary dirt. “A, I don't actually  _ care  _ about our relationship. I don't need or even  _ want _ anything from your planet, much less one miniscule little country. B, you  _ already  _ have FTL travel, and C, what more do you want from me? I haven’t killed any of you, I haven’t made any threats, hell, members of  _ your  _ species attacked me and *turned* their *backs* on me, and I didn’t even have them culled! My predecessor would have blasted your planet into space rubble and made you watch by now, and you have the nerve to question my intentions?” He rolled his oculars. “I'm going to give _ all  _ of your 'countries’ the plans to a basic metalware scout ship, and you can build from there.”

The negotiations dragged on from there, making even  _ Tavros’s _ sclera redden. After the 67th leader settled back into their chair, Karkat was at his limit.

“A’ight, I'm calling a thirty minute recess or what-motherfucking-ever it's called. We'll be back.” Gamzee took Karkat's hand, and led him out, Feferi and Eridan, Equius and Nepeta, Aradia and Sollux, and Terezi and Vriska following suit. 

Tavros and Kanaya looked betrayed at their retreat, and Nepeta didn't even squee over the pale-ways flip of Terezi and Vriska, too busy trying to not stomp out in a huff.

Tavros and Kanaya looked at each other, then looked away. Nope. Not  _ that _ desperate. 

Yet. 

Although as more humans came over to ask more unknowingly nosy and inappropriate questions, there were definitely  _ some _ parts of them reconsidering.

  
  


\----

  
  


Nepeta was angrily chewing on Equius’ hand as he carried her one-handedly to his block and the pile within.

“Nepeta,” he said awkwardly. “I understand that it is theraputerrifying for you, but I cannot arrange you in the pile if you do not cease biting my prong.”

She detached with an angry “murrrrrrr”, biting one of the electric cable-bundles and growling subvocally. 

Equius was fuming himself, occasionally turning his head to spit out another tooth shard into one of the many empty milk bottles littered about. 

Nepeta bit straight through the cables, spitting out the chunk of wire and plastic, and slammed her hands down on furs and robotics. 

“This is hoofbeastshit!” She yelled. “This is absolute hoofbeastshit! I cannot  _ believe _ that they’d even fucking  _ do _ that! Every single one of them just wants the same fucking thing and doesn’t want to share! I am  _ sick  _ of hearing their excuses for why  _ their country _ deserves  _ this _ , and not the other ones! I am sick of hearing it!”

Equius nodded, arms crossed. “I am STRONGly aggrieved too. The disrespect I have witnessed…” his fists clenched. “It’s disgusting.”

Nepeta hissed under her breath. “It's _ stupid!  _ They're all  _ dumb!” _

Equius spat out another tooth shard, and papped her with the tips of his fingers, gentle as he could manage. “Shoosh, Nepeta,” he said. “Shoosh.”

“I should be the one saying that to you!” She protested, gentling. “You're just as mad as me!”

Equius papped her again. “I am very angry,” he admitted. “But I hate to see you angry, and my pity for you has taken the forefront of my mind.”

Nepeta murred annoyedly but softly, calming down. “You're cheating,” she protested.

“I am not,” Equius said back.

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.” 

“You will stop this childish nonsense,” Equius said.

“No!”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “I will not be tricked, Nepeta. Now  _ shoosh,” _ he papped her.

“Murrrrrrrrrrrr…”

_ “Shoosh _ .”

  
  


\----

  
  


Sollux’s psionics were crackling around the block before the doors even closed.

_ “Uuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh,” _ he said, falling face-first into the pile. 

Aradia chittered, sitting next to him with a huff. “Yes, that pretty much sums up the situation, Sollux!” She agreed angrily. “My feelings exactly!”

_ “Uuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh,” _ he repeated. He lifted his face from on top of a Game Grub magazine. “They're all tho  _ thtupid,  _ I can't fucking  _ believe  _ it, AA.  _ Tho thtupid.” _

“One of them told me that I was doing my kimono wrong! That it was crossed on the wrong side! No it isn't! It's crossed to the left, like it's  _ supposed _ to be!”

“One athked me if IP and GZ were  _ fluth dating.” _

“That might be the grossest thing I've ever heard.”

“I  _ know _ , right?”

  
  


\----

  
  


Vriska got whiplash as she was pressed against the just-closed door of Terezi’s block, sharp teeth slicing into her lips and claws fisting in her pirate coat.

Terezi chomped down  _ hard _ on her tongue, spilling cerulean blood on to her tongue, a flood of blueberry to her senses. 

“Come _on,”_ she growled. “Kiss me back, Serket, I missed you and I'm angry and _I_ _need you to kiss me alre-”_

Vriska grabbed Terezi by a horn and dragged her into a sloppy, teeth-filled kiss, angry passion making her dig claws into orange keratin,  _ just _ above the sensitive red bases.

_ “Fuck, you think I haven't been missing you too?”  _ She growled, pulling back for air, before going back.

Terezi kissed her viciously, tongue going in sharp swipes, before it slowed, going softer.

_ “I  _ **_missed_ ** _ you, Serket,”  _ she sighed into Vriska’s mouth.

“I missed you too, Pyrope,” Vriska said back, before kissing her languidly, tongue licking over the cuts her sharp teeth had made.

Slowly, slowly, the kisses turned chaste, till they were just lingering pecks, Vriska's harsh grip on Terezi's horn turning into soft strokes.

She sighed. “We really need to figure ourselves out, Redglare,” she mumbled. “Did we just go from pitch to red to pale in-” she looked at the clock “-20 minutes?”

Terezi looked up from where she had been leaning on Vriska's thorax, face nestled between her venom sacs. “Vriska,” she said seriously, tone that of when she was about to reveal a devastating piece of evidence.  _ “Fuck _ quadrants. No, no, shoosh, listen to me-” she papped Vriska briskly  _ “-fuck quadrants. _ I did not fight and win a rebellion against the hemospectrum only to be boxed in by something else! I am going to kiss you and struggle against you and keep you from harm and from harming other people and I am going to do it  _ all at once! _ ” She stopped, suddenly unsure. “If- if you're comfortable with it.”

Vriska blinked. “Okay,” she said, and kissed Terezi again, thoroughly.

Terezi pulled back, breathing heavily. “Okay?!? That  _ all  _ you have to say about it?!?”

Vriska shrugged, and swiped over a horn base with her thumb. “I'm comfortable with it, Terezi. Honestly, after seeing you and the Emperor fight the Demoness in real life, I'm willing to roll with just about anything.” She kissed Terezi again. “And anyway, it's not as if we ever expected to settle, huh?” She chuckled. “I’m the insane Descendant of Mindfang, and you're a crazy blind girl raised by an egg. We're not exactly normal, babe.”

Terezi purred, and kissed her again.

“Nepeta's going to  _ freak,  _ huh?” Vriska said idly.

Terezi laughed. “Forget Nepeta, what about the Emperor?”

“Holy _ shit,  _ you're right.”

  
  


\----

  
  


Feferi dove into the water section of her block, sinking straight to the bottom and crossing her arms, letting out discontented ‘glub’s.

Eridan followed her, raking his claws through gelled hair irritatedly as he stepped into the salt water.

_ 'This is bullshark,’  _ Feferi signed at him.

_ 'It reel-y is,’  _ Eridan signed back.

_ 'They’re all so d-i-s-reef-s-p-e-c-t-f-u-l,’  _ she flashed her teeth in anger,  _ 'I can't even be-reef it.’  _

_ 'I don't even know how the Eel-p-e-r-o-r hasn't snapper-e-d yet,’  _ Eridan signed.

Feferi blew out a bubble.  _ 'Bullshark. It's all bullshark.’ _

  
  


\----

  
  


Karkat was growling deep in his thorax as they made their way into his block, prongs going into claws and back, fangs gritted and bared, fins fully out and blaring an angry scarlet (Kanaya insisted that he couldn't just call it 'mutant red’, as he wasn't a mutant anymore, and he refused to call it cherry  _ anything,  _ no matter  _ what _ Terezi said).

Gamzee's horns were vibrating, paint stretched around a snarl. 

“Take a wild fucking guess as to what this shit is, Gamzee,” Karkat growled angrily, hissing as he dragged his claws through his hair.

“Hoofbeast-motherfucking-shit?” Gamzee snarled back as he went to a console set in the wall.

“Hoofbeastshit! Ask your fucking Messiahs if humans were made *just* to irritate me, because holy fucking shit does it seem like it right now!”

Gamzee hissed. “Even the Wrathful ain't that cruel, palest,” he said, tossing his long, thick mane of hair as he punched in the code to appearify pile material into a sunken area in the floor. Striding over to the mound of blankets and pillows, uncaptchalogueing a similar mound of romance novels and bike horns and kicking it around to get a good distribution, he wriggled into it, poking his head back out to look at Karkat.

“C’mere, pabe,” he said grumpily. 

Karkat joined him, chittering in anger. “I'm the *Emperor*, I shouldn't have to deal with disrespectful ass Ascending species. Don't I have people for this type of fuckery? I fucking should, Gog, what's the point if I can't push this off on some-”

“Shoosh,” Gamzee papped him, brisk but not unpitying. “You do, but you said that humans were too much of a “pain in the gogdamn nook” for any of the Condesce era trolls to deal with. You know you're right, too.”

Karkat hiss-chittered. “Can't I just flag them as a lost cause and quarantine them for a few hundred sweeps?”

“Yeah,” Gamzee stroked his face, pressing a kiss to the base of a fin strut. “You could, if you want. You're the Emperor, palest, you can do whatever the motherfuck you want. But you won't.”

Karkat glared. “How do  _ you _ kno-”

Gamzee chittered comfortingly at him. “Because you're too motherfucking determined, pabe,” he said gently. “You just can't leave others to suffer or be lonely.” He kissed him softly. “Nigh 'nuff to make a guy jealous, if I didn't pity you so much.”

Karkat chirped. 

Gamzee papped him again.


	11. Chapter 11

Tavros took a deep,  _ deep _ breath.

“I,” he said, as evenly as possible, “am not even, going to answer that, because, the very _ insinuation _ , that that is possible, or mine to reveal, is treasonous, or honestly should be, and is pretty weird for me to, even think about, having known both, of them from wrigglerhood.”

“Ah,” said the alien. “I was just trying to understand, but I apologise.”

“Normally, I would, say that it was fine, and not to worry about it, but, it was not, in fact, fine, so, I won’t. Do not, say it to any, other, Troll if you want Earth, to continue, existing.” Tavros stopped for a moment. “That, came out like, a threat, but, I was only, stating a fact, so.”

“I understand. Excuse me,” the alien said, and walked away, careful to not completely turn their back on him.

Well, at least they'd clued in on  _ that. _

Tavros took a shot glass from one of the trays a server was carrying, sugar warming him and making things softer for a moment, before setting into a slight buzz.

_ Damn  _ his fast metabolism. His wing muscles used a lot of energy, and now he couldn't even get drunk properly. 

He thought of what the alien had insinuated, and a sudden image of Gamzee and Karkat kissing and pawing at each other flushed ways popped up, making him gag a little inside. He shuddered.

_ Aliens. _ What the fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little baby c#apter.


	12. Chapter 12

Well, there was  _ one _ throne that was going to have to be made into scrap.

Throughout the four and a half hours of treaty negotiations, with heavily lopsided or just flat-out unfair counter-offers, 14 off-hand black propositions, 17 ashen solicitations,  _ 6 _ attempted pale seductions, and one hurried update on his palm-husk from Sollux that “KK II know thiith lookth bad but they legiitiimately don’t have quadrants II  _ thwear  _ they’re not makiing a clumthy path at you pleathe don’t throw a biitch fiit”, Karkat had dug his claws so deeply into the platinum armrests that curls of metal had been clawed away, deep gouges dug in so slowly that only the very sharp of ear would hear the metal steadily giving way to claws. Karkat stood after the 114th asshole tested his patience, who was also,  _ completely coincidentally,  _ the 114th one he’d negotiated with so far, unsticking his claws and pasting on a smile that was more threatening than he meant it to be. “This has been a wonderful time, and I’m glad you all took the time to come and build a bridge between my Empire and your countries. I’ll be adjourning this for now, and all who wish to continue can come back in two nights. Thank you for coming, but I have to leave for now. It’s been wonderful meeting you all. Good morning.”

He left, cloak sweeping dramatically behind him, bringing a small but triumphant smirk to Kanaya’s face. 

Gamzee stood, gave a fangy grin, and followed behind, stiltwalking to his moirail's side. They walked out together.

  
  


\----

  
  


Karkat all but ripped off his cloak, flinging it to the side, unbuckling his sickle belt and letting it fall, raking his hands through his hair and chucking his crown to the side, with enough force to dent the wall where it struck. He headed straight for the ablution block, slapping the lights on and diving into the gently steaming saltwater, sinking to the bottom as he inhaled the warm, comforting liquid. His seadweller genes were assuaged temporarily, fully in their element. The itch for his moirail persisted, though, and he glubbed angrily, floating gently against the tile wall till the water shifted, and cool fingers carded through his hair. As Karkat looked up through the clear water, second eyelids only _ slightly _ blurring his sight, Gamzee retracted his arm, pulling his sleeve up further and dipping it in again, reaching down and trailing his fingers over a fin, then tugged gently on a strand of hair, urging Karkat up from under the water to the surface.

“Can’t get my chat on with you if you can’t be hearin’ me, pabe,” he said idly as Karkat surfaced, twirling it around his finger and letting it go. “And I ain’t got any gills proper like, so I can’t be joining you neither. You’ve gotta stay up with this silly little air-breather, y’hear?”

Karkat hiss-snarl-chirped, a tricky little mix of pale and anger that’d be hard to parse for any other who wasn’t his moirail for sweeps.

“Shoosh, pabe,” Gamzee stroked a horn with the pad of his thumb, rubbing little swirls into it like the mark of the Lady. “Hush now, y’hear?”

Karkat growled, even as a click-chirr started from the soft caressing of his sensitive horns. With their small size and his specific brand of mental power, one to gather and rally others, they were hypersensitive, and Gamzee _ knew _ that, the cheater.  

“Shoosh,” he said again. “Hush yourself now, pabe, hush. They’re gone, an’ all their disrespect with them. So shoosh, huh?”

Karkat hummed a growl, deep in his thorax, but his fins dipped. “Such fuckin  _ assholes,” _ he grumbled, going with Gamzee as he slowly stood, pulling himself out of the water easily as he followed the light strokes on his fins.

“Ain’t they just?” Gamzee said soothingly.

_ “Yes,”  _ Karkat said emphatically, letting Gamzee towel him off on the few parts of him where his hydrophobic clothes didn’t keep him dry, and guide him into the pile. He let himself be cocooned by the soft pillows and scattered bike horns and romance novels. 

Gamzee curled near him, a soft crooning chirr starting up in his thorax and rumbling through Karkat as he softly traced designs into a fin membrane with a claw. 

Karkat purred. 

Gamzee pressed a kiss to his jaw, his other hand curling over softly frilled neck gills, just barely grazing them with the pads of his fingers, nuzzling him gently.  _ “Yeah, shoosh, jus’ like that, brother, shoooosh now,” _ he breathed, pressing soft kisses to Karkat’s skin.  _ “Reckon you going to need me to soothe you down, brother, make you feel at peace again, huh?” _

Karkat shivered, trying to speak but only letting out a mess of purrs and clicks. 

Gamzee chuckled from deep in his thorax, pitying smile on his lips, and shushed him. 

He already knew the answer, anyway.

  
  



	13. Chapter 13

Karkat had an blank expression on his face as the old, old, _old_ indigoblooded Admiral (who still had only gotten the promotion because of a quadrant, back in )(IC’s reign) spun words like the best of dissemblers to explain _why,_ exactly, he had approved the request to let ‘the new Archeradicator recruits have a bit of fun in town’ and why it was _perfectly reasonable_ for that to have ended in the massacre of all its inhabitants, without saying what he _actually_ meant, which was _‘well, highbloods will be highbloods!’_.

“As you can see,” he said patronizingly, “they were just letting off steam, and there’s no need to be too upset about it.” He sat, smiling like he’d given a good argument.

General Glinteye was quaking with silent laughter, burying her face in her mug to hide her incredulous grin. This  _ idiot, _ holy  _ shit _ was he dumb. She met eyes with another of the recently-promoted, (comparatively)  low- _ warm _ blooded Generals, sucking in through her teeth and mouthing ‘yikes’ to them over the table. This guy had  _ serious _ globes, acting patronizing to the Emperor,  _ especially _ without The Grand Highblood there to shoosh him down from a rage...

Glinteye hadn’t been there for the one he’d had after his adult molt, but she’d seen the aftermath. Even for Trolls, it was… intense.

‘Yikes,’ she mouthed again, and took a sip of her beverage. 

His Imperial Peacemaker squinted at the indigo Admiral, seemingly waiting for a more complete explanation, and upon not getting one pinched the bridge of his cartilage nub in exasperation. 

“Fucking amazing,” he muttered, at full volume. “Fucking  _ amazing. _ Stunning. You,” he looked at the Legislacerator recommended by the Murderistrate and checked over by Terezi, “how many fucking laws did he just break? It’s fucking _ got _ to be at least three.”

“13, Your Imperial Peacemaker,” they said. “1 count of using a disrespectful tone with his Emperor, 3 counts of negligence to species under his command, 4 counts of improper address to his Emperor, and 5 counts of hemoist crimes, including ‘unfair allowances made for members of a certain hue’, ‘disrespect of similarly-ranked members of different hues’, ‘favoritism of similarly hued trolls’, ‘usage of derogatory hemoist language’, and ‘using hue of blood to suppress information flow’. And,” they paused, sniffing the air, “unless I am mistaken, I think his perfume is D’lae No. 16, which has been outlawed for its use of Bhtes’cht eggs.”

“So  _ that’s _ why it smells like infanticide in here,” Karkat said dryly. “What’s the usual punishment for all of that?”

The Admiral’s ears were nearly flat against his head.

“With the amount of charges, and the severity of them, the punishment is to watch all of their quadrantmates die, and then be hanged by the neck until dead, Your Imperial Peacemaker,” they said.

“You ever hear of Arena Batball, Admiral?” His Imperial Peacemaker asked. “It’s a popular sport on Alternia, plenty of violence and athleticism, great game for wrigglers to play together and bond or whatever the fuck. Always thought it’d be neat to try out, but that was back when if anyone saw a drop of my freakish mutant blood, I’d get culled, so I never did get around to it. Do you know the ‘three strikes and you’re dead’ rule?” The Admiral said nothing, and Karkat narrowed his eyes.  _ “Words,  _ motherfucker, speak the fuck up.” 

“Yes; if you fail to hit the ball three times you are culled and added to the pitcher’s mound.” He swallowed nervously.

“Great,” Karkat smiled with all his teeth. “Now, I  _ know _ how making martyrs out of people goes; I have a whole fucking  _ cult _ of worshippers to show me  _ that!” _ He smiled widely, and a single coldblooded and a few of his warmerblooded Generals and Admirals laughed with him, their iron necklaces flashing in the light. “So here’s how this is going to fucking go.” Karkat smiled beneviolently at him. “I’m going to have you assigned to guarding the trade route of some backwater Gogdamn planet for, oh, how many fucking died? 3,779?” He turned back to the Admiral. “Sounds like an appropriate amount of sweeps. So you, personally, will go over and oversee it for 3,779 sweeps, and you’ll just have to holo in in the mean-fucking-time. Sollux?” 

“Done,” he crackled over the intercom, like a bastard who intentionally made the audio shitty for no reason. He was that bastard. It was him.

“Fan-fucking-tastic,” Karkat said. “The team of Archeradicators that wrecked the town is going to rebuild it themselves, and get two ranks docked. Fucking next.” 

General Glinteye stood, saluting. “Thank you, my Emperor. The rebellion of the Glarond'ickay was settled, with the ringleaders taken into custody and implemented into their Planetary Council with minor complications. The defense against the Edrtyht’ii encroachment on the 97.333351 ° border has been shored up, and we captured one of their minor cruisers with minimal casualties. The crew has surrendered peacefully to us after two threat displays, and the Captain has been cooperating. Sector  97.336752 ° Z-58567 has stopped sending transmissions, and I have sent out a task force of Ambassassins, Engineeradicators, and Threshecutioners to deal with it, depending on if it is a rebellion or a consequence of natural disaster. In the  97.340774 ° Z-79969 sector, a new meteor has been spotted, and appears to be made of platinum, which is essentially dross metal, but it was revealed through our sensors that it holds an ice core, which will assist us in terraforming KV56 to be more hospitable to carbon-based lifeforms.”

His Imperial Peacekeeper nodded. Water was rare, on a universal scale. It’d be very valuable to have, even if they would have to extract it from the platinum, but he was pretty sure that some species out there had a use for it. Even if there was  _ already _ an  _ enormous fucking amount of it _ from that planet the Condesce had had stripped 300 sweeps ago. “Get on that. As for the platinum, look for where it might be needed, and the leftovers can be allocated to the United Species Council’s Raw Materials Pool. Next.” 

The meeting went on from there, a few rebellions settled, some new space cleared of debris, reports on blackhole study offered by the head of the re-instituted Scienstiffs (freshly protected from Mirthful purview/murder) (Gamzee had sulked for a week afterward, but a surprise shoosh-tickling wore him down), another band of rogue Sufferists taken down before they could try to assassinate Feferi, and the last (known) rogue hemospectrum-loyalist ship taken into custody.

“Good work on the capture,” Karkat said. 

The Admiral that had made it brightened, sitting up a bit straighter. Unsurprisingly, most of them were unused to thanks, or acknowledgement of their successes from the old management. 

It was possibly the least pitiable show of patheticness Karkat had ever seen. 

“And if that’s it…” no one spoke up, “you’re dismissed.”

Holos flickered out, Admirals and Advisors and Generals cleared the room, and Sollux holo’d in.

“Thethe three are thcrewing with the thpethieth under their command on the DL, that one’th being a dick to their Adjutant for no reathon thlath ith blackflirting with them, a.k.a.  _ athking _ for trouble, and thothe fifthteen are probably after your fluth.” Various holos appeared, pictures of them with their hatchnames and titles underneath. 

“Oh my Gog, you’re insufferable, this is  _ supposed _ to be fucking strategic, you ass!” Karkat yelled, flipping him off.

The last five holos flickered out of existence, Sollux snickering, but getting back on track. “Anyway, I’m going to thend the athholeth the entirety of Terethi’th new Codeth for their evening debriefing, and for the idiot I’m athigning a new front to them tho they’re too buthy to dick around. Thound good?”

“Go ahead,” Karkat waved a hand. He narrowed his eyes, considering. “You  _ were _ joking about them wanting me flush,  _ right?” _ His voice was heavy with trepidation.

“IP, I don’t know how to break thith to you,” Sollux snorted, “but you’re the motht powerful Troll in the Empire, and the ruler of the thtrongest, largetht empire in the known univerthe. You’re going to get thome thuitorth eventually.”

Karkat flipped him off. “I’m fucking  _ aware _ of that, I just want to know who I need to ship off to the ass-end of the universe so I don’t have to deal with people mooning after me!”

“Alright, tho what’th your criteria for ‘mooning after you’, anyway, becauthe if it includeth people talking about your pectoralth or your butt, we’re going to be down a good chunk of people,” Sollux drawled obnoxiously.

“What?!?!” Karkat screeched. “W- you’re fucking with me, aren’t you, you bifurcated fucker?”

Sollux looked at him from over his shades. “…”

_ “Aren’t _ you?!?”

“…”

  
  


\----

  
  


“Do you think Sollux was telling the truth?” Karkat asked over his chirring, fins folding contentedly as Gamzee brushed his hair in soft strokes, unknotting the tangles that were inevitably gained by any troll’s hair over the course of a day.

Gamzee chirped in answer, flicking the base of a fin-strut and watching as Karkat’s eyes momentarily unfocused. “Come now, I think you already know the motherfuckin’ answer to that, pabe,” he crooned. “He ain’t motherfuckin’ wrong, and it doesn’t hurt that you’re always at your drills in the few free moments you got between running an Empire. Ain’t hardly nothing but muscle, now.”

Karkat’s fins dipped, flushing red, purr strengthening at the compliment. “Yeah, what about you, then,” he said, nudging at Gamzee. “Where’s your suitors, huh?”

Gamzee shrugged. “Mostly Family, pabe,” he said, “but not many I’ve noticed. We’re closer knit than your people, and I ain’t too interested in any around. We’re chill like that.”

“Mmmmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggg,” Karkat grumped. 

“There’s nothing stopping you from finding one you like, pabe,” Gamzee said, nudging him with an elbow as he worked through a particularly tough knot. “You got any number of people that’d want you, any quad they could get. Few of ‘em might even like you for more than your body, too,” he joked.

Karkat snorted. “Yeah, because that’s the only reason people would rush into a relationship with me. Nothing else people would want from me. Absolutely fuck-all else being with me could get them.” He rolled his eyes. 

Gamzee kissed the tip of a rounded horn. “It’ll calm soon, diamond dust. Hush those worries of yours, ‘fore I calm ‘em for you.” 

Karkat chirped.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don''t know w#at conseastent c#apter lengt#s are and I don''t care to find out.. 3:PP

 

Karkat grinned as he twirled between the practice drones, sickles whirling in his hands as he cut them to pieces. Two quick slashes, and two toppled to the floor, cut in half. A duck and a sweeping kick, and one stabbed another through, then fell as its legs broke from under it. Jumping up, Karkat used his upward momentum to rip a drone in half vertically with a jerk of his sickle, sending the head flying. Eyes darting around, he settled into a guarded position as he waited for the last one-

He spun, and threw a sickle, nailing it straight in the forehead. As it crumpled to the floor, Karkat captchalogued his remaining sickle, then strode over and pulled the second from the drone’s forehead, tossing it into the same captcha card as the other. 

Karkat stretched, pulling up his schedule. He grimaced. Fucking disgusting. He contemplated sending a representative to the U.S.C. meeting in his place, but dismissed it. Karkat pretty much _ had  _ to go; he was the one who started it, after all. He wasn't in charge of it- he'd made sure that it was clear they all got an equal vote- but it'd be a slight, and the other species were distrustful of the Alternian Empire enough as it was. Insults didn't go far for good relationships. 

Ugh.

_ And _ he had to introduce the humans, and stand for them, and then the other species would all vote on letting them in or not and it would be _ a huge fucking event. _

Fuck this would be boring.

But that's just what he gets for trying to be a peacemaker.

**_‘Hushmysonsoproudofyousoproudyoudogoodworkheresoproud.’_ **

Gl'bgolyb's thoughts blurred together, this far from Alternia, but Karkat let a corner of his mouth twitch up, before putting his usual scowl back in place.

He still wasn't used to her popping into his mind whenever she pleased, but what the fuck ever, he guessed.

_ 'Hi …mom,’ _ he answered back gingerly.  _ 'Thanks. I try.’ _

**_'Goodboygoodsonsokindtoyourmother,’_ ** she crooned.  **_'Sosweetsokindtoallgoodson.’_ **

Karkat's fins dipped the slightest bit, as her pride and love washed over him.

But then he pulled them back to ¼ height, and sent away the hologram with a mindless gesture. He had shit to do. 

  
  
  


\----

  
  


“They want us to do  _ what?” _

“Why-” 

“Not a chance-”

“Can we trust-”

“Who could-”

“Serving the best interest of their country alone-”

“Outrageous-” 

A less-than-civil discussion was occuring in the United Nations meeting, as the invitation to the United S pecies Council had specified sending only  _ one _ representative for the Terran race, with three guards. As people are wont to project their own thoughts onto others, there were accusations flying that no one could be trusted to speak for the whole of the Earth's countries, not just their own.

Ahhhhhhh, the human tendency to assume that everyone else shares their same thoughts.

  
  


\----

  
  


The Gr'hddii ship was  _ huge _ , with ceilings tall enough to fit three Condescensions stacked on top of each other, and also had a color scheme that gave Terezi a headache and made Kanaya want to weep every time she saw it.

_ (“Do they just not know?!?” She had cried when first seeing it. “Are they colorblind?!? Insane?!? What IS this?!?”) _

The Gr’hddii were, however, the largest species in the council, so it made sense to use their ship as the meeting place. 

“Approaching the  _ Hypnotic Fizzling Cloud, _ IP. ETA two minuteth.”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “What are you, a Galactic Positioning System? Hail them and get a docking bay ready. Maybe  _ not _ next to the Fernrests this time, I don’t want to hear about their stupid gogdamn hatred for the color of my fucking ship again.”


End file.
